Round 2 – Integral Love

The universe just swallowed my last comments about God, so I will attempt now to recreate what I was just thinking about!

I do not believe in a universe of karmic retribution. I believe in cause and effect, but it makes no sense to me that in all the universe, you would end up back on this tiny blue planet paying for things you did in a different body case. That would seem to me to be scientifically improbable. I realize this is contrary to many wise-people’s ideas about soul’s journeys and purposes and what-not.

I do believe that horrific evil can exist in a Universe made of Love. I do not believe we are justified in creating evil conditions nor supporting them, as that is contrary to the innate laws of social support for life and health of the species. HOWEVER, terrible evil and injustice can and must exist when God has fractionated him/itself. It brings to light infinite good and justice, and most people recognize we live an existence of duality.

It has been said that God is Love. I think actually that God is the mathematical infinite integral of Love. I heard romantic love once very well described as an “indescribable connection and communication of respect, adoration, sensuality and peace.” This to me sounds like a longing for unity, which makes sense if we are separate objects yearning for a once-existing (still existing) unity. God therefore is not some purveyor of justice, but an ultimate unity. Love then, is something you can only experience when you are separate from your lover. It demands an object. God is experiencing him/itself by fractioning into myriad forms.

These are actually pretty new thoughts so I will give them time for scrutiny and to mellow before going much further.

Thanks to Ajit for inspiring a deeper probing…

More Thoughts

Sacred Steve also brought up the concept of forgiveness as an incredibly powerful force which enables the forgiver to heal and keep love flowing.

I also loved his exercise of touching the heart and abdomen, while concentrating on the right knee, left elbow, center of skull, etc., looking/feeling for where your source of “soul” is. Where your true being is located. For me it was felt at the heart level.

He said the greatest source of evil in the world is your wrong identifications. The mind starts working from a young age to create structures and patterns in which the ego/body feels “safe.” It constructs a fortress that later can block love from flowing between people. This is why the work of opening the heart is so important in our society.

People can get very lost in their minds and must turn to insane asylums, religion, happiness clubs in order to escape the feeling that life is meaningless and that they are lost in these bodies. It’s a good thing they do. And we need to reconnect people with their hearts and their inner sources of God, infinity and love.

Sacred Steve talked about 3 things which make up the physical universe, and I’ll have to catch up with him to spell out what they are again. Basically, there is a web-like structure, free-floating particles, and love!


I just returned home (after 2 hours journey!) from another happiness club meeting. Sacred Steve was the speaker, of Sacred Chocolate. He shared some interesting insights, which I will attempt to recycle below with my own experiences woven in.

Some people ask: Why does God allow suffering? How can there be a God, and how can this God be good, just, etc. when there is injustice/suffering in the world?

Answer: Suffering is a teacher. Suffering exists so that we may learn. We were put on this planet to experience ourselves (God) more fully. God wanted a mirror.

Each of us is a small fraction of God, like a ray of light coming from the sun. We are each a unique frequency of Love.

You may say, well, how does having cancer teach me anything? How is that fair?

We are born into a world full of foreign structures. We learn we have bodies, we learn how to stand up and walk in them, how to use them, what hurts and what does not. We have social structures, relationship structures, laws/structures of physics, politics, government, genetics, etc. We suffer when we bump up against a structure, because we are infinite souls inhabiting a finite body and spatial structure. We hit a limitation and we recoil. But with each recoil, we have a choice/chance to learn about that which is finite and that which is infinite. One can not be experienced without the other.

In a way, we are privileged to inhabit these weird bodies for a span of time so that we can have a structure within which to experience, know more deeply, and communicate who God is to each other.

Therefore, it is not the cancer which makes the world unjust. Cancer is just another structural limitation we are sometimes forced to inhabit. Suffering and cancer are not synonymous. The suffering is how the brain interprets the body’s reaction to the cancer. You may “have” cancer and you can “suffer from” cancer. You can’t learn anything about your true nature inherently just from having cancer. You will just come to simple facts like I am a human and I have a cell population within my tissues that is reproducing errantly. However, you can learn from the suffering you may experience about what your true nature is and is not.

Sacred Steve brought us back to the wisdom of the heart in relating to each other and living to the fullest health/efficiency/etc. on this planet. The mind, being finite, needs 2 reference points to compute anything. It is a tool but a limited one. The mind may operate in the past or present, but never in the exact “now”. This is the value of heart and awareness meditations, another tool to balance the activity of the computing mind, which can only help us to the point of calculating rough probabilities. The heart’s wisdom, a FEELING, is the infinite wisdom of the Love source within us, which seeks to interact with its world in a productive, love- and life-generating way, before its temporal body is subject to entropy (as every physical structure ultimately is).

This fits my theory that life rewards life. As an example, people who provide the most social benefit to other people are held in the highest esteem and are taken care of by others (the universe). Therefore, we have an imperative to listen to our hearts when making decisions, as the brain will only go as far as to compute for us a probability outcome that will keep the ego/one person safe.

More to come in a later post…thoughts?

Keeping the Roots Out

The last 2 weeks has really been a long, unending string of mystical experiences. Was just reflecting about how much life rewards life; was feeling amazed and overwhelmed by the concept, and the next person to drive by me in a car gives me a thumbs-up. I wasn't even looking cute. I just started crying. Sometimes the knowledge of God/connection comes so near that your grip on reality becomes emotionally tenuous. That was the straw that broke this camel's back.

It's fun to set up experiments by which you have yourself on a dating website, or Facebook, and play with the concept of law of attraction. The longer you can manage to keep your personal vibe strong, positive, and attractive (hours and days on end), the more you get "fed" from your contacts in the world. You're like a psychic tree putting out roots.

Now life is starting to get interesting again…This game may not be over yet!


Cruising the curves of 280
Your dark shadow
Passed over me
Low and rumbling
My breathing quickened
My cells lifted
Trembled in ecstasy
And settled back onto my bones

Oh, the Estrogen

So, slightly nauseated all day today, and apparently I’m eating for 30. “Jeez Louise!” exclaimed my very young and casual doctor at the ultrasound today, upon examining the follicle sizes. I even got a slightly creepy “That’s a juicy one!” outta him today. Ewww, gross, haha. He better be an extremely gifted surgeon. Surgery is Sunday morning!

Panera Cafe is my new fav “fast food” restaurant. They gave me a choice of chips, bread, or an organic apple for lunch. Organic! TYJ. I had 2 sandwiches for lunch. Very hungry. I am probably craving salt because I woke up with visions of pickles and ice cream. I did have a pickle today and it was oh-so-delicious.

I have new symptoms today: I keep getting lost VERY easily and forgetting things. I am blaming this entirely on crazy estrogen levels. I also am quite amorous and have been fantasizing about 75 percent of my day away. Come to think of it, this may help explain my getting lost and forgetting things. It’s like I am so incredibly fertile today that my body can’t help but think about ways to take advantage of the situation.

I realize probably less than 1 percent of the population could relate to what I’m going through today. I have yet to meet another egg donor actually. Then again, it’s not something people casually bring up in normal conversation. I’m kinda glad this is the last one. My body has been through a lot and I’m ready to move on to new adventures ;-)


Yowza! Feeling a little nauseated this morning and moving much more slowly. The doctor made a funny comment yesterday about how they expect to retrieve about 20 eggs, which is way more than they need. He also said my cycle goes extra fast–most women take 12 days to develop the follicles and once I start taking follicle stimulating hormones it only takes 8-9 days for them to be ready. They’ve cut my medication 3 times already this cycle. I noted to them that I might not need as much meds due to the fact that I am 10lbs lighter than I have been doing previous cycles. Fertile Myrtle!

I do feel softer in the heart region. My face looks rounder. I have been eating more since being on the meds, and my sleep cycles are off due to naps I’ve been taking in the early evenings to ward off the cold that’s been going around town. So far, so good!

It’s pouring down rain today. I have been feeling more emotional about things in general. A soft rain starting falling during practice and I thought it was just lovely and soft the way it was hitting the skin. Later, a thunderstorm and accompanying downpour made me smile and raise my eyebrows in excitement. I could feel the energy of the storm absorbing into me. The people around me didn’t seem to be reacting the same way! Songs are sounding new and I want to write more poetry…

Off for another ultrasound and blood draw this morning…


My heart beats and a thousand kisses take flight
Maybe one will catch a breeze
And land on your lips
Or your cheek
Your chest
What are the chances
We would meet in this lifetime?
Two hands reaching out
We pulled each other in
Navigating a river
That was long dreamed for us
It carries them too
All the sexy, courageous artists,
Life-crafters and body surfers
I know you’re in my waters
Let’s see where this goes…

My Speech Before the Entertainment and Youth Commission of San Francisco

Thank you President and Commissioners for the opportunity to speak tonight. My name is Christina McKinstry and I’m 30 years old. I am an athletics coach/faculty lecturer at San Francisco State University. My degree is in environmental chemical engineering.

I have been attending raves since college, about ten years. I enjoy the light shows, the colorful people, the peace and love vibes, and the original and inspiring music. I love to dance and share that joy with others. It’s important to recognize that not all rave goers are irresponsible drug users, or drug users at all.

The city’s recent actions against safe and permitted dance parties are unjustified and are going to backfire. This affects more than just San Francisco’s youth. I attended a wonderful New Year’s party that was perfectly permitted, peaceful, and safe but officers shut it down before midnight seemingly on the basis that electronic dance music was being played. It was an exclusive well-planned party attended by mostly 30to40 year old professionals. Instead I ended up moving to a fun but less safe house party.

My understanding and concern is that the proposed CA legislation and unwritten city policies do not have any provision for safe, private, permitted parties, which is only going to result in more unsafe, underground parties that fewer responsible adults and role models will have interest in attending and traveling to our city for.

I want the city to recognize that people from all walks of life enjoy this music scene and to agree to provide safe opportunities for us to meet with our friends at large outdoor public venues or at small private parties to enjoy the music we like.

Thank you.

New Life

Anything to take me deeper,
Further away,
Closer to the light.
I’m absorbing now
Not kicking much out
Too much to take in.
I’m only 30
These years are just bonus lives
Time to tinker and have some fun!