Drought/Intensity Cycles – LOVE LOVE LOVE

So I was at my friend’s house the other day, recounting a story about how I had stayed with a boy for nine days overseas, and how trying it was, considering I had NEVER been overseas really (with someone I was very attracted to) and NEVER had “lived” with someone for more than five days in a row.

After getting over her shock that a woman of 32 years had never lived with a man for more than 5 days, she proposed that, perhaps, it explained the importance I place on having as much quality bedtime with a lover as possible. Perhaps, I’m in the habit of devouring someone as soon as I see them, because I’m basically a love anorexic who spent at least nine years in a long-distance relationship, creating a pattern of periods of no physical contact interspersed with periods of intense affection. In fact, that was a pattern in most of my relationships after the first serious one in college (that broke my heart!).

There may be something to that. Someone asked me the other day if I think I have intimacy issues. That was a tough question to answer, mostly because I feel I am a very open-hearted person with a lot of love to give, and I’m always trying to be more honest and assertive in my relationships. But the fact that I keep finding myself in (and accepting) relationships which fall into a pattern I may be used to from childhood (daddy issues? starting in junior high, dad used to go away for 2+ weeks at a time to work and come home for a couple of days) makes me wonder if there isn’t something I find familiar and comforting about the drought/intensity scenario.

I guess I need long-distance rehab or something! HELP!!

But I just turned a boy down who couldn’t see me at all for 4 weeks, so I think I’m making progress, haha.

I don’t want to overanalyze this (I just realized that the word “analyze” contains “anal”, haha, over-digested), but if I really do want someone who is going to make love to me twice a day, I should stop accepting relationships that provide that once every 3-4 weeks. But….I dunno. Part of me is enjoying getting to know myself via seeing different people (different mirrors), which requires you having the SPACE to see other people, i.e. NOT making love to the same person twice a day. So, basically, I need something inbetween, so maybe I’m right where I need to be.

I hate my brain sometimes. But love my life. Life is amazing.

Drunk on Love

Blown away
She must love me closer than skin
Deeper than bone
Your love breaks my heart open
Erasing my mistakes
I cry
Tears of gratefulness
In this moment we are free, in each other
We are free, for each other
We give thanks
And wonder,
As we fly away,
Drunk on love’s nectar,
Just how incredibly beautiful the next flower will be

Different stuff


Valeted cars tonight in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in town, near the Getty residence. I found something highly amusing, a box with a bunch of throw-away items in it. Now, in my part of town, a throw-away pile would consist of a plastic shopping bag or two, ripped, stuffed with cheap, unfashionable clothes you would never wear, many stained or smelly, worn-out shoes, and maybe some random kids’ toy parts strewn into the sidewalk.

This stash was in a large, sturdy cardboard box. The first thing I noticed, after a graduation cap and gown, was a tuxedo suit jacket and pants. There was also a small bag filled with random holiday, birthday, and graduation cards, and a couple of sturdy candle holders and some small candles. I took the cards to open later, on the off-chance there might be money in them (silly me! Do wealthy people even bother putting cash in cards for each other?). But what really cracked me up was finding a once-used tuxedo in a throw-away box in a wealthy neighborhood. Classic.

Competence: an informal makeup experiment

If you think women don’t need to wear makeup, ask yourself one question: where would Oprah Winfrey be today without makeup?

A Harvard study came out last year showing that makeup made a woman appear more competent at work. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/13/fashion/makeup-makes-women-appear-more-competent-study.html

I decided to throw on some cherry red lipstick before work two days ago, mostly to balance out my nerdy brown glasses, and I was pleasantly rewarded with lots of smiles from the event’s patrons and the largest tip payout of the year so far. I hadn’t made the link until a fellow female valet pointed out a study that showed waitresses received higher tips when wearing red lipstick.

So I thought i’d keep it up another night. Studies have also shown that women in clubs wear more makeup during ovulation, presumably due to its attractive properties (come hither and multiply!). So being past ovulation for the month, I put on the lipstick anyway and some eyeliner/mascara for good measure and went to work.

I did get an extra long stare from the company owner, who I smiled at upon arrival. I interpreted his look as saying “I’m not sure red lipstick is the professional look I want for my valets, but fuck it I’m too busy to deal with that right now.”

I was greeted by the manager, who gave me additional responsibilities upon arrival: “you know how to work a walkie-talkie, right?” Yes, sir! And was given a cushy garage attendant job. Later, another manager indicated that I would be one of three valets (out of 30) responsible for returning the highest-luxury cars to the patrons at the end of the night, and would I have any problems with those responsibilities? “No, sir. I’m a very safe driver, sir.” And later, “how long have you worked at this company?” I was hired a year ago in June. “I thought you’d been around much longer than that. “Thank you, sir.”

Lipstick, baby.

Always with a Smile

Can’t move my legs but I can type
Memes swimming around me
We were together again
Two souls, humming, kept apart by clothing and bones
We will always have eternity
The illusion of the temporal is so strong
We think things are just now happening
This is why we must always meditate on the infinite
Or we hold too tightly to a moment
Thinking wrongly
Acting foolishly
It is what it always was
Keep receiving
Keep letting go
Always with a smile

Got a Clue

I asked God for a clue
He gave me all the answers
Like someone calling to you in a dream
His voice bounced off all the walls
Echoing what I’ve been preaching:
Don’t worry, kid, be happy
It’s compassion once again
It’s letting go of duty
And in poured my salvation
In his timing, not my own
God has never let me down
It was faith I needed foremost


How many centuries
Have we been trying to love each other?
We talk and then tangle
Surrender and pull out
Divorce and move on
Human wreckage in the wake
Women rebuild their country
Children wander the streets

How many centuries
Have we been trying to kill each other?
How can you enjoy anything
Without peace?
We must be that change we want in the world
We must be radiant

When did you learn to doubt yourself?
What did you see in your mirrors?

Ingredients for Mutation

Anger and trust
And lust and power
Envy and want
Fear and need
Hiding by doing
Lost in my freedom
Anxious, directionless
Pockets of bliss
Flashes of clarity
Appear in the smog
Wrestling the demons
Formless and strong
Appetite endless
Energy scattered
Not building
No plan to stay put