Pushing others
Pushing self
Being sophisticated/perceptive
About what is possible
Knowing breakthroughs happen
After sustained effort
Not after a sudden push?
Learning to question
Even declarations
How true is it?
How complete the work?
Words can be subtle
Forms of deceit, lies, manipulation
For shoddy workmanship
You can craft a hollow golden ship
With your words
Which will never sail
It will tip in the first winds
Words stronger than effort

How soft can a heart be?
Can I reach yours
By revealing mine, or by shattering your shield?
They all keep going away
Do my words push them
Or my actions
Do I want them to leave?
Scattered my seeds
Can’t plant where there’s no water
I need love
Have I become something you want?
Can you rest against the soft pillow of my heart?
Do I hold you to the best without killing your spirit?
I err on the side of force, of overkill, of overlove, of best intentions and generosity
I show mercy b/c I’ve been shown mercy
But don’t have what I want
Always have what I need
Needed lots of freedom
As much as a cat would give
You let me hike in the wilderness
And search the depths of my mind
And find the sweetest spots on my body
And travel to the most dangerous countries
Eat the most exotic foods
Experience a world way outside my trailer court
You all let me go and go and go
And miss you–
And pine for your love and comfort
And the oblivion of your caresses
The highs of your tall tales
I had to work out every last ounce of freedom so that I could know myself
And it cost me everything I had
And it was worth it

And now
A new phase
A more subtle exploring of us
Now that I’ve been ripped apart
And exposed for who I can be
I can choose the good qualities
And buffer the others
And stop showing you so much of me–
Since I’m already well-acquainted
And start talking about you.


A non-journey journey
Lost all the pretense
Now free to move about the cabin
Waking up to my desires
Those sirens, which seduce
And destroy everything I am not

Challenge: community-building on the go

I’ve been wondering, how do you create/foster community when we are on the move so much? When we are so busy? This has been a real challenge for me. I have a few ideas now:

*make people feel safe and welcome in your presence

*hold people accountable, but resist judgements

*take time regularly to let people know that you love them. Love is a feeling of connection.

*Hug them, feed them, tell them what you’re thinking regularly

*let people know you’re there for them

*send notes, gifts

*make time for intimacy, share your fears

*with less time, we feel rushed to do activities with our time together, but we must take time to connect at the start, check-in

*create traditions, even if that’s nicknames, handshake, weekly call/meal

*stop activity if someone is feeling unloved. Not worth it. Check in. Keep trust accounts and transparency high.

Those who know me know my shortcomings in this area. Please help me put these into practice. Thank you!!


Sitting on the dock of my energy
Watching time go by
I’ve come so far
I can’t go back
Why these compulsions
What good could come of them
And dying to escape
The rational

I Wore Shoes Today

Well, sandals actually, but given I’ve spent much of the past 4 months barefoot that does deserve a headline.

I wore sandals someone bought me from Pakistan that have flexible soles, don’t constrain the toes, and have a heel strap so that the foot strike isn’t dramatically altered.

When I went to Pakistan for 10 days, I chose to wear shoes (flip flops) in order to avoid any delays or confrontations with foreign authority, and to avoid drawing extra attention to my blonde, 5-10, blue-eyed self. I was attending a friend’s wedding, after all, in a semi-hostile country, so this wasn’t the time to make a hard stand for my foot freedom.

In those 10 days, probably within the first 5-7, I lost a protective layer my feet had built up. Basically one layer of skin on the balls of the foot (and a patch on the heels) turned white and shed. Up to this point I hadn’t really known how the feet had adapted to mostly concrete sidewalk-walking. I knew my feet felt more “plasticized” on the bottoms. So that was interesting. Seems a layer of skin just somehow adapts to the rugged pressure but dies when not used. I got my “baby feet” back pretty quickly.

So upon my return from Pakistan, it took about a week of city barefoot walking again and the skin on my foot started getting too sensitive to walk on. But this time, a new complication. I think that the sandal-wearing for 2 weeks actually helped my arches build up a bit more than barefoot walking does (when I keep the same ball-of-the foot striking emphasis). Also, I became dehydrated/malnourished and experienced bad foot cramping upon return. So when I started walking barefoot again I could really feel my arches cramping, especially in my left foot.

And the cramping was not in where one typically thinks of the arch, it was more in the middle of the sole of the foot, where the arch also exists, and where I know my “arch” is more atrophied. So it was actually kind of nice to feel that area activated for the first time in my life. I spent some time massaging it, which helps, and am still dialing my nutrition and salts back to a healthy range. I became riboflavin-deficient as well, evidenced by cracks in the corners of my mouth. I hadn’t experienced that since I was a vegetarian. I digress.

So wearing sandals yesterday and today enables me to keep my arches activated while letting the sore spots in the balls of the foot recover. I think I might go ahead and do 6 weeks in these sandals just to build the arches up, since I’m failing to “exercise” them at home. The downside is that I will lose a little bit of my balance capability, my foot toughness will have to start over, and I don’t get to be barefoot, which is simply an awesome continuous sensuous experience.

I’ll give it a week and re-evaluate I suppose. The other thing is I will get a lazy and start heel-walking more, so I will have to stay on extra conscious alert.

Finally, I have been putting more emphasis the past few days on walking with the feet slightly farther apart. It feels amazing on the sacrum/low back, even if it still feels awkward due to my current calf bone shape and femur rotation, which I suspect will take another 6 years to re-shape!

20/20 No More Glasses Experiment Back On!

I’m determined to restore my own vision naturally. Time for a new protocol!

I have a hunch the focus exercises are way more beneficial than the eye exercises, so I’m swapping emphasis. Also, I think one has to “correct” for the anount of near-work focus one does. Will try to incorporate that as well!

No corrective lenses for one month

1-2 Eye Exercises for controlled Eye Movement
5 Minutes “Far Focus” exercises with plenty of blinking (2.5 mins each eye)

Throughout Day:
Balance each focused “near-work” phase with one “far-focus” correction

When walking, each trip perform at least one intense “far-focus” to avoid “lazy eyes”

1-2 Eye Exercises
5 Minutes “Far Focus” challenges

Community and The Quest for Achievement

Standing at a new crossroads in my life…

I have a lot to think about.

I’m at a friction point, where I am not making enough money to support myself, and I’m feeling the need to figure out how I can be most useful/valuable to society so that I can escape being broke all the time. Being broke means you miss opportunities. You miss family. You miss the spontaneous part of you that can’t just go do what the heart desires. Being broke holds me back. Some might argue this is a good thing! But it feels more deflating and restricting than helpful really. I’m not sure that others are being helped by it. Looking at my tax history, I learned that I managed to get by on $200,000 for six years in San Francisco. That’s 33K/year, in a city where the median income is like $80K/year. It sucks.

I’ve spent the last six years making conscious choices around what I want to do with my time and energy. That is significant, given that my college years were very much guided by me not feeling safe to pursue what I enjoyed doing, to some extent. I started my own business(es), I coached college athletes, I became a yoga teacher, and I worked for a federal government contractor. And I tried every part-time job on the side that would accept me, which led me to meet dozens of amazing people, not to mention create 6 new amazing families via egg donation.

But none of it really panned out. I learned that I do not like setting up a shop and running it. Correction: I like setting up a shop. I do not like running it. I learned that federal government work is really interesting – but I do not have the patience to jump through hoops and red tape. I learned that I loved teaching athletes new skills, being outside for work, and learning more about health and wellness, but I have zero interest in becoming a head coach or staying with any particular program.

It’s like with my Chemical Engineering degree. I loved learning about the environmental side of it. But I’m not all that interested in the daily job of cleaning up the environment. I’m not all that interested in creating new chemicals. I’m not all that interested building facilities that extract oil.

After all this, I start to feel judgmental toward myself, like, jeez, some people would die to have just one of your opportunities, yet you’ve passed on all of them. And have no interest in going back to any of them.

People listen to my life story with wide eyes and a slack jaw. So far, it’s a meandering, somewhat bold, and suspenseful story with no defined ending.

So I’m at a new juncture.

I have friends who have tried to cheer me up, saying, it will all come together eventually. All these experiences and skills will somehow culminate. But now I’m just frustrated. Financially, and directionally. I’ve cast a wide net, and pulled in many nuggets of wisdom (i.e. failed a lot), but have no idea what to do with them from here.

I got super fired-up listening to Obama and Romney talk about healthcare and the economy. It reminded me that health is simple, and we find myriad ways to mess it up. And now the whole country is suffering economically and creatively because of it. And I want to help. I just want to feel really helpful actually. And although I love the Mother Teresa axom of helping one person at a time, the person closest to you, it doesn’t get you far if that one person isn’t paying your rent and your back taxes and your student loan, feeding you, and helping you travel to see your family, and paying for your continued education, etc. etc. etc.

So I want to be helpful on a larger scale. God knows I have enough talents and skills to do that.

I think I’m on a new path about how to work within a community.

The closest thing to a community I experienced growing up was our church and school systems.

My parents were separated from their communities in a lot of ways. My father often worked out of state. My mother stayed at home with us. We viewed the wealthy with suspicion, so it was more of an antagonistic rather than synergistic relationship. When you’re accustomed not not getting enough, not having enough, you can start to blame the system, and the “haves” for your condition.

Perhaps I’m just on a final push out of the poverty mindset. I want to be able to connect with others in the community and even in the nation to accomplish things together. It’s just that I’m not sure where to come from (I have no organization nor a clear sense of trajectory). And I’m not sure where to go!

I think this is what is delaying my “Center for Public Wellness” concept that I had spent the past few months contemplating and defining. I want to organize people on a large scale, but I’m not sure I have the skills to do so. In fact I do not have any demonstrable skills in this area. It may take only a small spark to light a fire, but…

Just Leaving

We snuck in the side gate
It wasn’t my idea
Ivy creeping up on
An old institution
Crumbling, Dark, Abandoned
Once great
A basement full of dusty memos,
Signed promises, and
Forgotten records
Old news
It’s unhealthy in here
The lead
A dead pigeon
The news is forty years old
As I hurried out,
She saw me rush
“Are you with Property Management?”
“So you don’t belong here.”
She stated sternly
I said,
That’s why I’m leaving.