What’s Going On

Keeping current projects afloat
-not much planning time, mostly action/adjusting

Trichotillomania
-back with a vengeance, feeling mentally active and time-limited, burning candles at both ends and sleeping when possible (8pm bedtimes, 2 hours sleep/6 hours/11 hours/naps)
-picking at hair when mind is holding more than 2 directions without action, thumb blistering/peeling, new friend on plane stopping me gently and shaking head like don’t do that
-hair growing out-reminded why it was easier for me to keep it pixie short, less of a distraction
-drank a lot two nights in a row (Mon/Tues), felt very helpful for mellowing out, very rare for me to use drugs that way but body too tired for yoga, not in habit of meditation

Instant Facebook/texting/emails becoming a distraction, losing time/focus for tasks; lost my phone one night and felt much calmer, decided to go out and just be present. Was nice. Might establish dead times throughout day where I can’t respond instantly to inputs.

Had a massage and walk Wednesday morning, really healing-feeling.

Exploring quite a few simultaneous romantic connections, all feels balanced somehow in intensity and connection with what everyone is offering each other. Many physical/love interests making an appearance back in my life within one week. Learning to have a full love plate and pondering the implications and responsibilities around that. Curious in observing how sustained stress affects the letting-go and experience of love-making/orgasm. Experimenting more with verbal communication.

Feeling saddened by physical limitations of others: Allergies, acute and chronic injuries, medications, can’t relate to any of that. Feeling like health is such a birthright and people aren’t spending enough time there. Feeling very healthy without effort.

Balance needed in my mental efforts/focus so that relaxation/calmness in the mind can be achieved without swinging between overdrive and lethargy.

Feeling very drawn toward astrology and writing. Still feeling very connected to the idea of networking, finding and growing relationships, getting my messages out into the world, staying positive and fruitful, learning and soaking up lessons from others. Feeling very curious and understanding.

Relationships and Religions

I’m wondering if relationships are like religions, in that it’s best if you just choose one and be really sincere and devoted in your path. My yoga tradition emphasized this wisdom.

It’s also present in athletic coaching. While getting inputs from many coaches might inform or inspire an athlete, it can also confuse them and keep them from advancing as far as they could with a particular coach if they just stayed with them and learned their lessons.

But at what point do you forsake your coach, your religion, your relationship?

Bootie, Cutie

Time
Astounded by the slow pace of my own thoughts
My breath
My footsteps
It all moves so much slower in time than I want to go
The slow pace of thought absorption
Assimilation
Acceptance or rejection
How will anything be accomplished?
A sigh of relief
Things will happen on their own time
To their own beat
I can’t even push

Fog is Lifting

Dug a hole
Got pulled out
Standing on the grass
Wanna touch the sky
Digging more holes
Mind working overtime
Can’t walk and chew gum
Anxious, limited, sick, immobile
Take away my anxiety
All fun and games until your life is full and your pockets are empty
What does this remind me of?
Maybe it’s time I stepped up
And led.

NIMBY – Except You, and You

“There’s no way I’m letting WalMart into my city, but a Bank of America tower is more than welcome!”

There’s a Target store coming into San Francisco. No WalMart, but its slightly more pretentious cousin, Target, is moving in.

Let me just say I love WalMarts. And I love Targets. KMarts, notsomuch. It’s all about the efficiency and purity of the systems to me. I admire how their stores are laid out. I appreciate the organization. I like the bigness of it all (although the SuperWalmarts do push that for me). I love WalMart the same way I love McDonald’s: you know what to expect, the quality is consistent, they are efficient and organized. I also hate them in the same way: I wish I was wearing higher-quality, organic cottons, made with love by someone who loves me, or eating higher quality, organic foods, cooked with love by someone who loves me.

As an engineer I appreciate when systems are created that work. I admire that about WalMart and BofA. A lot of people in SF are anti-WalMart for many reasons, often the “support small business owners not large corporations” shtuff. I’m just¬†wondering, at what point of “largeness” does one become a “sell out” or cross the line into “greedy” big business? This question is important in our current Main St vs Wall St revolution.

“Too big to fail” is fascinating to me, and while I chose to move my money to a local credit union I love, I miss BofA’s better technology. Can’t we have the benefits of both somehow? At what point does small business become too big to be customer-focused, too big to fail, etc. Is this the “Monopoly” of our time we must regulate against? Endlessly interesting…

I don’t know what is so alluring about the big box stores. And I find it odd that cities will support some types but not others. There are several Staples, Office Max and Office Depots in San Francisco. There is a Lowe’s, there are McDonald’s everywhere, a few Burger Kings, the major food chains, Subway’s etc. There is something very beautiful about the way these organizations are run and patterned, but at the same time I see how they also feel soul-less and wrong! ¬†It is difficult to feel ownership as a worker in such organizations.

Don’t think I’m getting anywhere so I’ll stop rambling for now…thoughts?

Web Logging

Tonight seems like a good night to vent.

On “vacation” in Montana for my cousin’s wedding. It was a truly beautiful event, the third fantastic, love-filled, happy wedding I’ve attended this year. One of the highlights for me was being asked to dance by a cute little 3-year-old blonde thing. She was shaking it on the dance floor all night long like she just didn’t care, quite an inspiration to me, and to the many in the room who didn’t risk dancing for fear of looking “silly”. I got rid of that filter a LONG time ago, but it was still refreshing to see the exuberance and innocence of someone completely lacking any filter and just dancing for the pure joy of it (always my goal).

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about courage and being useful in the world. The world seems to really reward people who have the courage to pursue their passions ardently. The world certainly doesn’t need any more wallflowers who wait their whole lives for someone to wave a magic happy wand over their stagnation. I’ve reached a new point of
decision. I’m coaching athletes at the university level, I started up a massage referral service, I started an athlete promotion/education business, I educate and offer affordable legal plans to friends and family, I lead hiking tours of my neighborhood occasionally, and I park cars valet for special events around the city at least once a week. However, I’ve managed to set up my life so that I cannot pursue any one of these interests with full passion and dedication, which inevitably leads to me feeling like a wheel-spinning headcase. This may turn into a scheduling opportunity, or a delegation/leverage opportunity. I cannot let myself become extended, broke, and unhappy once again. My new game is to be wealthy, and damn it all to hell if I can’t figure out some way to be ridiculously abundant in my life. :-D

I’ve been feeling extra grateful for the men in my life, particularly those I’ve dated in the past year since entering the dating game again. Each one has opened my eyes to deeper happiness in a different direction, and I’m just so grateful to have had the experiences I have had. I had to wait nine years to have the courage to date around, and I’m so glad I took that plunge with an imperfectly patterned mind, but at least with an open heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m driving a machine without a manual or a map, but I just don’t care :-) It’s important for me to learn to love deeply, freely, and passionately. I believe once I’ve come sufficiently back into myself that way I will be given the chance to be blessed with a family to share and propagate that happiness with.

Taking in the hot tub under the chilly, starlit Montana sky one last time…to really living!