Happy Performer

It’s time to start enjoying myself
Life is not so serious
Or rather
Seriousness is not rewarded

Meditating on a pier in Long Beach
A seal or sea lion performs for free
Delighting all
Who aspires to a grueling life?

Leader Wary

Of preachers
Of those with conviction
The know-it-alls
What have YOU seen?

This is not time for self-aggrandizement
We are not to look for our opportunity to hop on the fame ship
Life ain’t 15 minutes
It’s a marathon

Movies will have you believe it was
The right thing said or done
At the right time
But the truth is always messier
Less glamorous
And much harder fought

Leaders need to lead
She told me
Do as I do or have done
Not just as I say

This is a time for introspection
Not answers
Though everyone wants to be the savior
And we all can get weak around a hero

We can sure accomplish a lot when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit

On the Floor

Me and my patterns
An astrologer friend noted
Building and destroying
Building and destroying

The chaos in the ashes
Like the agony of childbirth
Forgotten with time

Maybe I’m there again
Uprooted so suddenly
The death of my cat
Back at work the next day
Gave her stuff away
The look on his face

And now am I okay?
Or am I stuck in overdrive?
Supposed to be resting
Living the beach lifestyle

The Jenga blocks got pulled
One at a time
Until I’m crumpled on the floor
Starting over again

Is this hard coded
Or avoidable?
Or am I going first
Into the storms of our future?

At least a soft heart to fall onto this time
House of cards
Hands of fate
Build again

Information Dam

The country is fatiguing from information
24-7 news
Speed of light
We know more
And it ain’t all rosy
But the bad news is peaking
Like a dam breaking
At first there’s a rush
It’s all out in the open
And everyone feels pessimistic
But then the water equalizes
Flows more steady
And the sediment sinks to the bottom

Old Memory Lane

Somehow I ended up in love with a Mexican American, and drunk on tequila and antifreeze fireball whiskey in San Diego tonight, dancing the waning full moon away to a mariachi band on my love’s 26th birthday night, speaking and singing in Spanish, and pausing to sober up by going jogging down streets named, provocatively, “Old Memory Lane,” and then, trying to find a way back, “Gravity Lane,” which quickly halted me in a forested dead end. This all seemed ominously symbolic at the time, so I turned around and jogged back up Old Memory Lane, passing an RV on the way back which read “Pride of the Heart.” I have yet to figure out what the Universe was trying to tell me. But it was a really nice night.


I got a flu shot and TDAP vaccine last week. My arms hurt immensely near the injection site (more of a dull soreness) for a couple of days. For the past 5-6 days, I was unable to assemble any tote bags due to cramping and pain in my hands and forearms. I don’t recall using my handheld devices any more. I did do a lot of bags last Friday (74), so the combo of fatigue plus vaccine stress probably got to me. I’m slightly better today.

The moon is nearly full and gorgeous.

I’m looking forward to a weekend with my honey for his birthday.

Time Change

Talking to my right hand
The ankle makes a noise
Even though it’s me I’m still surprised
The joy of sober consciousness

Tunneling down on a spiral candy cane drill
I wonder how many mirrors will I see when I talk
As if the sanest thing to do is pretend like having a body and a brain is normal
Oh! The places you’ll go!

And wonder if everyone is just working through their own illusions
Or if they’re all really just yours
And forgetting to treat others how you’d want to be treated
Because the impulses are too strong

Maybe run to the end of the earth
And let the wind caress you in an air bath that smells like heaven
And see all the beautiful colors
And remind yourself of the power of your fantasies
And ask yourself if you’d like to spend your whole life wrestling your demons,
Or worse,
Someone else’s

And realize that you got exactly what you asked for
And if it’s not enough
Then you ask for more
Or decide on a new strategy

And don’t forget energetic shifts
Imagining who you want to be
Who you want more of
What qualities are you done with?
Inviting the new reality to surround you so you can act within its parameters

But, like the virgin who waited for her wedding night
It all comes so suddenly
Nobody likes to adapt quickly
Now you’ve lost your identity

Night thoughts

I still miss my kitty.

My shoulders hurt, a lot, in the days after my flu shot and Tdap. Now, my forearms are cramping but it *could* be due to overworking them last Thursday night/Friday morning.

I’m the grim reaper this year.

I’ve set up a way to get back into hammer throwing weekly. Looking forward to dancing with an old friend.

Sleepy eyes.

Brain dump

I’ve been making a ton of FluffyCo bags recently so my motivation to post things has diminished as I stave off RSI, heh.

Having lived with chronic, well, chronic-users nearly all my time in the Bay Area has me thinking more about drugs and their effect on the brain. I’m grateful for my generally pleasant disposition. I’m grateful for my generally very upbeat brain chemistry. Life is not usually a dark place for me. But I’ve been to those dark places, with and without the use of serotonin and dopamine-altering chemicals, and it makes me even more grateful for my natural state of being, which is basically a natural, mild high.

I read recently about mushrooms’ long-term effects on brain chemistry, including the increased prevalence of synesthesia and, ahem, gravitation toward an appreciation of the arts (both of which I have had long before any altered experiences.)

My natural synesthesia was very strong today, which was fun and awesome. Although, living in the Bay Area, you get exposed to so much second-hand MJ smoke on a regular basis during festivals, concerts, walking down the sidewalk, and through housemates, etc., that you can start to wonder what your baseline exposure really is, and how much brain chemistry is altered chronically.

I don’t feel worried about it, especially as long as my decision-making abilities and self-reflection/self-talk seem to be balanced and intact. I’m not sure the clinical definition of mental health, but I suppose it involves having things generally going well in your life, balanced mood states, etc.

My forearms are starting to bug me so that’s probably all for now. G’night.