I took a little hit tonight
Your love still has me hooked
My animal brain says run to you
Even though you leave me cold
Just a hint of a fire
And like a moth
I’m drawn right in
You get me high
And I crave what you’ve got
So familiar, so foreign, so me

Gothic Night

If you’re not happy
It’s surely not the end
The bold die many deaths
To their follies
Pulling strings on this planet
Is a blindfolded job
One sense off
And it all collapses
In my haste to feel alive
I jumped ship
No lifeboat
And I tested the waters
No teacher
Now I’m tired of swimming
But without shore in sight
I look around for a lighthouse
To guide me
Why do I still feel pain?
Why do I accept my judgments?
Who am I to bring myself down?
There are no mistakes
Just chances to know
Who you really are
Deeply inside

More definition

What kind of appearance do I want to have? Clothes/makeup/hair?

What kind of transportation do I want/need?

What kinds of foods do I want to eat?

I want to entertain more often.

I want to have physical/exercise goals.

Time to Redesign

What kind of body do I want?
What kind of housing do I want?
What kind of partner do I want?
What kind of friends do I want?
What kind of successes do I want?
What kinds of experiences do I want?

New Year’s Resolutions are coming early this year…

What Do I Want?

I want to manage massage therapists and their working environment.

I want to mentor massage therapists and help them network.

I do not want to do customer service or be a receptionist.

I want to do business strategy.

I do not want to do hours of paperwork/data entry.

I want to help organize events and creative design but do not want to work at them.

I want to receive massage twice a month.

I want to focus on giving massage for my athletes and a few existing clientele.

The Pruning

In the end
I’d rather have my peace of mind
Than striving, flailing, grasping
It’s just not worth the closing down
The moments wasted in agony

If it’s all good
And it’s all God
And everything I’ve been teaching
Pain motivates
In other words, moves you
In directions you have been avoiding

I’ve never been tested like this before

My boldness yielded lessons
That taste like death
But fear always does
So I try to remember
I’m only dying
To a non-awesome life

I chose this path
I took these risks
And it’s time to rethink what I want


I’m in my own personal hell
I wish I could accept myself
And my decisions
But the consequences are too great
I’ve risked everything
And it all could fall apart
Did I do enough?
I should have done more
I’m maxed out
Stressed out
Never want to be here again
To have any chance of success
I have to see this through
My limitations feel like a corset
I guess I’ve played my cards
The hand has been dealt
I’m in purgatory
And it’s out of my control

Battle of One

In a city full of people
I’ve never felt so alone
There’s a tension I’ve been holding
For 3 long years
A strange sort of
Arm twisted
Growth stunting
That has kept me poor
Under the radar
Of the happy, well-adjusted people
I wished I was having drinks with
Survival mode ends tonight
As I lay the final handmade brick in the foundation
Of a world I dared to create
From nothing less than a longing to do
Something meaningful
And my hands are shaking
My thoughts tormenting
Wondering if any of it is good enough
Then confused by all my doubts
I built a house when I was 23
But that was a sure bet
And easy enough
This is me
Or it all came through me
All of it was my doing
My dreaming
My vehicle
Into a city I’ve always feared
My little craft
On autopilot
My personal project, half-conceived
This will not make or break me
But I will be judged tomorrow

Thoughts on Progress

The founding fathers didn't forsee internet, TV/radio, cars/planes (instruments of greater speed and connection). We are already experiencing growing pains of easy access to information: polarity in religion and politics. Where will ultimate singularity take us? With a single purpose is there a need for law? What does being connected with everyone while moving very fast look like? Does it look like ultimate freedom? Or does it look like molecules in a pot beginning to boil? What are we boiling into?

We are living in an exciting time, in an exciting country. In a virtual experiment. The self-proclaimed leaders in a freedom experiment for the world. Why would I want to be anywhere else? This is where the excitement is. So why does it feel so blah?

Television advertising plays to our smallest selves. Insecurity opens wallets. We all have been buying the notion that we have a long way to go before we are successful, and by the way, there are a lot of things you should buy in the meantime. Garbage in, garbage out. Imagine if youth was not wasted awash in those lies. Imagine if schools were institutions of freedom, justice, equality, identifying true talent and pointing that talent at the right causes for the greatest good. Imagine truly enlightened students, rather than insecure drones ready to be auctioned off to the highest-bidding company.

How are we moving faster and making more connections yet creating more distance between ourselves physically? Are bodies becoming irrelevant? We are already ignoring them daily in this country, resulting in everything from Repetitive Stress Injuries to Obesity to Heart Disease. If not ignoring them, drastically altering them! Gastric bypass, cosmetic surgeries…What is the role of bodies when information and speed become paramount?

We need to be careful with the information we continually expose ourselves and our children to in this age of interconnectedness. Let's make sure WE are steering this ship to the destiny of our highest selves. Are we reinforcing the values laid down by our founding fathers? Or are we reinforcing the lies that we are all small and insignificant and stupid and not worthy and will always be in need, so might as well just look out for number one. How can we do this together?