Self reflection, family, philosophy, and bigger in Texas

I just got into Dallas tonight around 5 o’clock and it’s already been so worth the trip for me. I was the only non-immediate family member to join from this side of the family so I’m kind of the bride’s unofficial extended family representative! It was so nice to see and catch up with them over dinner tonight.

I really enjoyed catching up with my cousin who is now finishing his advanced mathematics education. A Pisces. We managed to combine astrology, religion, and mathematics into a really, really interesting discussion! He was asking me great questions, and sort of translating my answers into mathematical language. We talked about relativity, determinism, and conservation principles as applied to belief systems!

For example, asking me what I enjoy about traveling ended with this theorem that describes me pretty well: when I travel I like to immerse myself in a point of familiarity within the unknown, then expand my familiarity into the unknown. I suppose everyone is like that? But it was a cool way to think about it. For example, when I go somewhere new I like to already have a connection there, whether that is a band that I like is playing there or some other personal connection.

My housemate similarly diagnosed me yesterday when talking about why I sometimes stay in uncomfortable situations or relationships longer than I should: “it’s not enough for you that you know ‘what’, you want to know ‘why.’ He gets me, and he’s only known me two months :-)

Feeling blessed to stay over with an old colleague from Chevron. Eerily enough that makes for three chemical engineers in one house at the same time, counting her husband! Everything is bigger in Texas, especially the homes. This is quite something. I’m looking forward to touring around in the coming couple days.

Hehe: the equivalent of a person walking out of a public restroom with toilet paper stuck to their shoe! This rental car has a luggage sticker on its wheel, rolling out of the airport rental car lot. Cracked me up…

20131227-232649.jpg

Appreciating the Temporary

I had one of those realizations today that made me think I’m probably getting sick. Walking through the airport I couldn’t help but appreciate what a cool time in history we are living in. How luxurious we have it. How it could all be gone in an instant–in a super volcano, in a meteorite. And I just became really happy. Very open, really loving.

It didn’t last long of course. But for a few moments I was really really happy.

Later tonight, during my nightly hot tub soak under the stars, I found myself really cherishing my freedom as a single person, with the knowledge that this too, was temporary, and probably ending soon. I guess getting ready to go to your fifth wedding of the year can bring on this sort of feeling.

I am going to enjoy one night in my own bed and leave for Dallas in the morning. And hopefully I won’t dream about work tonight.

Sweet dreams.

The Ocean

In the acceleration
It’s dangerous to associate yourself
With those who still believe they are a lone wolf
If you’ve not yet perceived that
Dreams exist in the water between us
You’re in the lonely desert
Beached
Creating mirages in your thirst
Aging in the sun
While we splash and bounce in each other’s ripples
The whole world will be underwater soon
And you’ll adapt or die
I did not leave to howl at the moon
I ran back to dive into the ocean
The place we’d visit each night
The abundant source that tosses me around when I fight and carries me when I’m tired
I wanted to be enveloped
Penetrated
Soaked
Held entirely
Fluidly
and without reservation

A while back

Taking back my voice
Losing myself in the fog
In the crowd
In a dream of another’s making
In a plant
In a chemical
In the party
In a costume
In another land
In an embrace

Wanting now to be found
To rebuild
To just be
To stop guessing
To pierce through the fog
That comfortable Valium

Revealing

The Courage to Let Go, Learning from the Hate

I realized tonight there’s some courage in letting go of what’s not in your best interest. It takes faith in the fact that your best interest will be provided for, at the risk of no provisions in the meantime. It’s saying yes to your future and no to your past. It’s growth. It’s kind of a big deal. And it will have a profound impact on your loved ones.

There are no rules in life, but people like rules because then they can just switch off their brains. But there are signs of success that are easily identifiable, which, because they are small and simple, can also be easily dismissed as unimportant details. Fact one: there are no unimportant details. Fact two: things get complicated when you let them get complicated. Sometimes complicated feels better because you’re not ready yet to make a decision.

I’ve cleared my dance card. And this time it’s going to be a bit harder to get on it. Because I am craving something more satisfying, more worthy of my attention. My standards have been raised.

And always look for patterns: as goes your career, love life also. Patterns can be subtle to detect: don’t be too literal. Your energy permeates everything you bring your attention to, that’s what drives change or stagnation. What are you about? What do you think about? What do you hate? What do you want for yourself?

I think I might start writing down what I hate for three days. As a positive person I am prone to overlooking the negative, which can be informative toward pointing someone toward the positive.

In the Wreckage

Do you lie awake at midnight
And wonder what errors
Might have driven love away
So close to completion

Another tower of babel?
God scattered our words
We misunderstood
Our union destroyed

Love don’t come easy
Trust is laid brick by brick
We made love on the altar
Before the mortar had dried

It held us for one night
Then cracked under the weight
Of misaligned hopes
And unsaid words

Then the wrath of our differences
Like a twisting typhoon
Destroyed the whole temple
Unsafe to return

My voice echoes off crumbled walls
And in the wreckage
Life goes on.

Forgot how to love

Reviewing
And rehashing
And finding out how much I value ethics
Especially when the outcomes affect hard working people
And so tired of consumerism
As much as I love fashion
And art
I’d love to see things done
For other than the almighty dollar
And the ethics of trading
And it’s ok to gamble on a house
Someone else’s future home
And their food and energy supply
Because hey! You could lose too.
Forget the fact that people have very basic needs
In order to prevent societal collapse
And everyone might be willing to work
But some might not like big risks at wrong times
In a country that rewards risk
The debt ceiling is forever raised
Because we’re good for it, we promise!
We’re not educating or taking care of our people anymore but you can count on us to come through!
Well, maybe a few will, and maybe they won’t love our country enough to take care of her
We’ve been isolated from each other a long time now
But we’re all chasing the dollar together
Waiting to be inspired
Excited
At the wealth our love could create
But we forgot how to love.

New leaves

20131107-115023.jpg

There are some gorgeous fall leaves now on the trees near where I work. I have a new home now too, and I seem to be starting a new chapter/turning a new leaf, etc.

Was just asked to be “friended” on Facebook by someone. I asked them how they knew me. They said they didn’t, but that I had pretty eyes and seemed like a fun person. I refused to friend them. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. I feel like I’m on a higher plane of discrimination now, generally. Won’t live just anywhere, date just anyone, friend just anyone, etc.

I guess I’m still grieving my last relationship too. I was unpacking tonight and came across several meaningful items: a blanket he had bought me in Mexico a couple weeks in (while on a secret date he didn’t bother to mention), a teddy bear from my trip to London, which I “won” at a winter carnival only because the carnie pitied how upset I was about not making enough baskets to win fairly. Then, the tears came with the motorcycle helmet, which was gifted to me for no apparent reason other than his not wanting to have to store it, yet I only used it riding with him. A lot of nice memories came flooding back putting that helmet in my hands: the wind and sun on my skin, my body pressed intimately against his backside, the little massages I ‘d give him at the stop lights, riding over San Francisco hills, the danger, speed, and adventures.

And finally, the hammer shoes he bought me, which symbolized to me that he might finally want to get to know me beyond the fact that I was good in bed and formerly a business owner. *sigh*

I looked out across the San Bruno mountains, in the direction of the Oakland hills, and felt that strong connection, the remaining dopamine, return. I let it clear from my mind, and wondered if he was still letting go in his own way, or if I was already a fuzzy distant memory.

Hair-pulling, nail-biting, and teeth-grinding connections

I’m super chatty tonight, but hopefully you’re out having fun and not paying much attention anyway. I had a half-caf latte earlier, that’s my excuse. Anyway…

One more addition to my “personal ticks theory of everything”:
~Biting nails means you’re having nagging thoughts (“Nag” likely from “gnaga”, meaning to┬ábite, gnaw)
~Pulling at your hair means you’re feeling frustrated (“I’m pulling my hair out!”)
~Grinding your teeth means you’re angry (“Gnashing of teeth”)

Ideas for dealing with these emotions? I welcome your thoughts too.

Dealing with nagging thoughts: take action about whatever is worrying you or reevaluate the control you have or don’t have over that situation. A thought should be like paperwork – let it pass through your hands/mind only once before you decide what to do about it!

Dealing with frustration: take action about whatever is bothering you, or find another way to expend your energy until you can take action

Dealing with anger: find out what is making you angry, find out why (i.e., what is important to you which is being compromised or threatened, and is it still important to you?), make a creative change either in yourself (the way you think about a situation or react to it), or in the world to deal with the problem so that things more closely align with your core values