How did you do it?
How did you show up and make all my dreams come true?
How did he know what I needed?
And why would I get what I want?
I was born with these dreams
Curiosities
They are God’s dreams for me
Why else would they come and thrill me so fully?
It dreams through me.
Never again to apologize
Never again to hide
This little light of mine
All I have to do is let it shine
I love catching up with old friends/acquaintances and telling my life story all over. It reminds me that as lost as I feel sometimes, I do seem to be on some kind of path that people recognize as heading toward some convergence of the life skills I have acquired. I am in yet another transitional phase, between business ownership and bankruptcy. Doing my last egg donation. The only constant is the coaching (thank God for some constants).
Living within a transition, I can't help feeling like I should be getting ahead of the game somehow. I've been applying for additional work on Craigslist, with the caveat that I want to have a good chunk of time "off" this summer to travel to Europe. With gas prices pushing up airfare, this is also a plan very much up-in-the-air. After looking at administrative assistant-type-gigs, tonight I went for a valet parking attendant opening. A job where I get to jog, drive a car, and get tips for being friendly seems right up my alley!
It is rather fun (when not terrifying) living in a total information void, wondering where God needs me next. I've observed that my opportunities all come from recycling my education, and I haven't gotten any formal education in a while! However, I've received plenty of informal education in running a business and how not to have a relationship nor a social life.
I feel like I've stumbled upon some insights into weight control as well lately, as an added bonus! Discipline seems to be key in not letting weight get out of control. For example, today I had a largeish late breakfast, then 1.5 hours it was "time" for lunch, so I had some (although not feeling hungry) and felt a "full" feeling, which I now recognize as detrimental. Two hours later my stomach "fullness" had decreased and I felt an urge to eat in order to feel "full" again. However, I was not hungry! So creating fullness sets up a level of eating that sustains excess calories. Having the discipline to avoid getting full is key to not messing up the rest of the day. Getting "full" is like spiking the blood sugar beyond a limit that the body can operate on. When it inevitably dips, a need for sugar is created again, and yet the body does not need the calories. What a game. So many independent internal partitions fighting for their own equilibrium! I chalked today up as a "fail." No more full feelings!
A very personal blog tonight…I was reading in "Laughter, Tears, Silence" about a simple awareness meditation where you just breathe with awareness. The second stage was breathe, but with a small smile. This relaxes all the facial muscles and puts you instantly at ease. (And seems to make everyone around you wonder what you are so pleased about).
I immediately thought to myself, "Why don't I try this during sex?" I imagine that relaxing into the act would make it more likely that it would be obscenely pleasurable. Sometimes hitting the right spots is a downright chore. The chances a woman will orgasm during sex are around 35 percent, surmised by some to be a reason women are more choosy about whom they choose to relate with. I figure if it will boost my odds, why not? Not having a suitable partner at the moment, I have been practicing this technique solo and I have to say it works like magic. Cheers to meditation and to pleasure!
I am learning how often I WANT to eat, and how that differs from how often I NEED to eat. I’m learning just how much I have in common with the house’s pit bull beggar.
For instance, today I had Kashi 7-grain cereal and greek yogurt with unsweetened coconut for breakfast. I went to work, and did not become actually hungry for 3 hours, though I thought about food sooner. I had a butternut squash tamale and about 3oz gouda cheese for lunch, which was super delicious (food tastes way better when your stomach growls). Two hours later I was not hungry, BUT a birthday cake was being served so I had a small piece of chocolate and yellow cake with a ton of frosting. I had to sit next to the cake for another 1.5 hours, being tortured, knowing that I could not have another piece because I was not hungry, yet still craving the sugary sweetness. That was very difficult! However, I made it all the way home without taking another slice and by 7pm I was still NOT HUNGRY. At home there was sweet and sour chicken on the stove so I helped myself to two pieces, as I was feeling a bit weak/low blood sugar, yet not hungry. I took the dog out for a nice run, came home, still not hungry. Finally, as I type this at 10:30pm, I am starting to feel hungry. Perfect timing, as I am ready for bed. Going to bed slightly hungry helps me to wake up feeling light and awesome.
I will continue the experiment tomorrow. It will be interesting to see if I need any more or less calories. Today seemed like barely over a thousand calories were consumed. I have eaten a lot of fattening roasted peanuts and cheese/yogurt the past few days so I assume my lack of hunger is due to a fat overload. Will find out soon!
An update on my no-hair washing experiment! Since the beginning of December of 2010 I stopped using both shampoo and conditioner in my hair. Instead I scrub my scalp with my nails in the shower and simply "wash" my hair with just warm/hot water.
Benefits:
*No cost for shampoo/conditioner!
*Hair feels and looks "healthy" and thick, despite having colored and bleached it multiple times in the past year.
*Hair retains moisture long after shower. It is now 1:30pm and my hair is still damp from a shower 3 hours ago.
*Fewer harsh chemicals against my scalp
Drawbacks:
*Hair still has a heavy look, meaning oils are probably not yet perfectly distributed. This can be temporarily overcome by blow-drying hair, which I try to do infrequently.
*Seemingly more scalp waxy buildup. Trying to combat this with thorough scrubbing in shower and brushing hair daily, especially scalp.
I've read it can take months for natural oil production to stabilize itself after years of adaptation to harsh stripping by chemical shampoos. I should probably stop dyeing my hair every month to really get the full effect, since each dye job is like a pretty harsh shampoo.
Since I am growing my hair pixie short to bra-line, it will be interesting to see how this will play out with longer and longer hair.
Sitting on the emptiness
Haven't tried out the new me
Basking in the slowness
Duty-free, peaceful, at ease
Riding out the calm
Till Aries comes my way
Have a feeling when it does
I won't rest again till May
Lining up my ducks
Feels like something I should do
But I'm happy watching clouds
For another week or two
I will be under the influence of hormone treatments the next four weeks, for my sixth and final egg donation procedure. Testosterone/estrogen will be all out of whack. Read with a grain of salt! This will be interesting…always is…
You're better than that
You're better than that
You're better than that
You're better than that
I went off on a Facebook rant tonight, thought it probably more appropriately belonged here!
Marriage & Collective Values
When was the last time the government seriously thought about marriage’s contribution to our society beyond informing a tax code? Each presidential administration (or Congress collectively?) should be required to contribute to an evolving, publicly available manifesto on American values, rights and responsibilities. An American mission statement perhaps? Something more fluid and reflective of current times than the Constitution. Like a guiding vision for the state of the union address perhaps? How does America feel about marriage? What do we want to do about the institution? Better to let it run its course organically or has it failed to the point that we need to take collective action? All these thoughts coming from someone who is surrounded by people in happy marriages. Hmmmm….This is such a great country, an experiment in freedom. I just want it to be as awesome as possible in every way. I am troubled by a lot of ways in which our collective values are being eroded.
Monopolies and American Apathy and Destitution
History seems to be repeating itself. Monopolies have evolved into something less local and more pervasive and potentially destructive. Now we have the Big 5 oil companies, the Big 5 banks, the Big 5 phone/internet companies, the Big 5 grocery stores, the Big 5 retail outlets, home improvement stores, etc. etc. Our strength as a species comes from individuals contributing all their effort and energy. Very few people (CEOs) actually get to exert their full effort and energy in consolidated systems such as these. I believe all businesses ought to be limited to 150 employees, the max size of most hunter-gatherer groups. Everyone contributes, no one gets left behind.