Fat and Happy

The warm air surrounds me like a soup
As I zip through it
I penetrate the darkness a little further
Find another glorious edge
I can’t wait to tell everyone the story

Just as the joy crescendos
I hit a pack of tourists
No, zombies
The zombies are not hungry
I begin to understand murder
Recognize sanity in a vagabond

The wind blows away my murderous thoughts
And gratitude finds me a little further down the road
I am exactly where I wanted to be
And it’s oh so satisfying
Not even close to cold in the dark of night

I remember that I escaped the hard life
Through the strength of my endurance
I desired an easier path
More connection, more dependence, more abundance
I desired so much.

Leaving behind the gritting of teeth,
The raising of voices
The nails digging into flesh
The gleam of the butcher knife
The madness and folly of self determination

And jumped onto that roller coaster
Diving dangerously close to death
Spilling the change from my pockets
Leaving me breathless
Weightless, penniless
Completely dependent

Ready to receive
Ready to be a woman
Ready for a new life
Ready to love
Ready to manifest

Abortion Questions

Questions for pro-birth activists:

Do you believe a woman has agency over her own body and over what lives or dies inside of it? If not, who else should get to decide what lives or dies inside a woman’s body?

Do you believe that all humans naturally and always reproduce in ways that are responsible and will benefit their society and their families?

Should there be a punishment for those who do not?

Do you believe a woman should be forced to carry to term any life growing inside of her, regardless of the degree of deformity or decay of said life?

Do you believe that a fetus growing inside of a woman should be treated as an independent being even though it is completely dependent on the woman for its birthing? That is, should the woman have no say over the birth process of that being? What other rights should that being have? And at what stages?

Should the government dictate how many children a woman should give birth to or how many children a woman should not give birth to?

Poverty & the Environment

It’s easy and tempting to judge others from the outside based on their actions, without considering their environment or circumstance. My study of environmental chemical engineering gave me good instincts about cause and effect. I used this as a coach, always considering what might be causing an athlete to take an action, rather than just focusing on changing the action itself. Sometimes this worked, sometimes it did not. The best coaches don’t just change what you’re doing and they also know why you’re doing it, because they want to prevent it from happening again.

Getting to the root cause is also something that I learned in Engineering. In studying how failure happens, we learned that there are usually multiple contributing factors.

Perhaps this is why I cringe when I hear comments about how simple it is for someone to pull themselves out of poverty.

Earth Lies

Dark swirling
void from which everything beautiful is born,
Tell me your secrets.
I open myself to you
I spread my legs wide
And empty my mind
Forever hungry
for a meal i can never eat
how do we feel abundant when the greatest mysteries are kept from us
abundance must be a lie

Capitalism Dream

I’m out of shape. I’m sick. And it’s making me really angry/upset tonight.

I’m mad that I have a well-paying job that is minimally physically demanding.

What, are you some kind of ungrateful idiot?

I get it. But hear me out.

Until I graduated from college, I thrived on at least 3 hours of exercise a day. My high-paying oil company job greatly decreased my capacity for that much exercise, and I got fatter.

I quit my job for the more healthy career of a massage therapist, followed by a track and field coach. Riding my bicycle to work and then coaching 4-8 hours/day was perfect for me. I hiked and valeted cars. I ran after buses and walked everywhere. I was very active and in shape.

I slowly ran out of money and time in the day to make more of it. I took a high-paying job in the suburbs, and not-that-slowly started getting fat again. And it continues.

I’m angry because I couldn’t make my life work financially doing what I loved and what kept me healthy.

I’m angry that so many of my friends seem to be in financial lack. I’m angry that the only thing “working” for so many of my Facebook friends is network marketing.

I’m angry that I’m too sick or tired to exercise.

Why can’t moms just be moms? Why do they have to become someone else’s marketer? I’m worried for them. I’m worried they’re just starving themselves and patting each other on the back.

I’m worried about a country who thinks the rational response to a health crisis is a liquid diet rather than fundamentally changing the way we live and work.

Or, just as unhealthy, the manic-depression of the desk worker/weekend warrior or cross-fitter.
Why can’t athletic coaches get paid a liveable salary? Why is being a mother of no value except to a (hopefully) bread-winning husband or a couple looking to buy eggs?

Why are so many people being forced to work more and more years of their life before starting a family?

How is any of this GOOD for us???

I’m angry that a politician who refuses to take money from special interests is considered RADICAL.

All this together is really shaking my love of country.

I hate that we are so poor (as the 99%) that we’d prefer JOBS/OIL over CLEAN AIR.

That we’d rather get high than fight for change or think about our problems.

That we consider the sharing economy revolutionary, and not just a symptom of our collective decreasing spending power. Our acquiescence to become forever tenants and never landlords. We don’t even buy music anymore. We don’t own things. It’s all subscription. “Convenience.” Groupon is a household term because we can’t afford normal prices. It’s a race to the bottom.

I’m mad that we accept academically that the “new economy” means stitching together several poorly-paying jobs and being as mobile as possible for our employers.

I hate what this is doing to families, especially children.

I hate people telling me to just think more positively.

I’m angry that so many people in their desperation have fallen prey to gurus who offer financial freedom if only we could all just become more authentic and higher vibrational. Personal growth will save us all! After all, if you’re down and out, most certainly it’s YOUR fault and shortcoming somehow for not living up to your God-given potential. Just become a better person with a better attitude, then you’ll never want again! More #hastags should do the trick!

Meanwhile, the list of things my friends will never accomplish due to not having money is like a punch to the gut.

Were we poor stewards of the money we had? Did we take on too much debt? Or did we really have a choice? Surely we should just blame ourselves for not living the Capitalism Dream…

Scammers & Spammers

In this blog post, I will be listing email addresses that have spammed/phished me. Any spammer who wishes to contact me and apologize will have its name removed from this list:

leah_jensen@tourvoice.website and yournishedlopez@gmail.com

VIA craigslist ad, using the guise of:


340 S Lemon St #8881

Walnut, CA 91789