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One good thing about moving is the opportunity to go through your valued possessions and reminisce. I rediscovered some of my old journals from high school & college. One entry in particular caught my attention, mostly because I don’t remember writing it. I will share the following notes, scribbled passionately on 2 folded pieces of paper and stuffed into a journal. The theme was decidedly Love & Hate (the pictures are from my recent trip to Montana). Only looking back could I see that it wasn’t really about love/hate (it also gives you an idea of the neurotic way I will analyze something that is bothering me)!

Hate:
Inseparably intertwined with love
Objects of love become objects of hate
Nail biting, stomach churning, teeth gnashing fury from within
Hate is only as strong as its polar opposite, love, once was
Hate & Love are both supressed for reasons of uncertainty
Both are powerful and intimidating, especially to the bearer.
Hate can drive a man to accomplish when used as fuel
Hate is the difference between what one expects and what one gets.
How, then, does one control hate?
Should one control hate?
“Choose your battles” must apply
Does the admirable man ignore small hates? Large ones?
Is hate an option?
When someone does something unexpected in a manner which defies your system of what ought to be done by others, are you justified in hating the act?
What other choices are available?
What is important is how the hate is expressed/supressed/dealt with
Ignoring acts which are hated leads to inner turmoil and self-questioning. A man in disharmony with himself can not participate in rational decision-making. Supressing hated acts is a form of self-doubt, and does not lead to resolution of the past mind with the present mind.
Lashing out against the object of hate is the most violent way to deal–it is always intrusive upon the hatee, and is usually fruitless.
Why do I bottle my hates? Why can’t I lay them on the table; a contribution to humanity: Here is my set of values–what do you think about them?
A need for control? Is it insecurity about what I value? Is it a short-term escape from confrontation? Because I bottle-I expect others to bottle-when I have something to say, I expect that you have something you are also not sharing with me. A deep, engrained need/want for security/peace/harmony causes me to compromise my values (which themselves change so fast in my college years, it makes my head spin in confusion).

Love:
By analyzing love, can we learn about hate?
“The need to love & be loved”
Does forgiveness play a role in the control of hate?
Forgiveness: Reconciling the difference between what you expected and what you got. Is forgiveness kin to suicide? The miniature murdering of the way one feels?
Hate is the strongest feeling one may entertain when one does not get what one expects.
Hating others is a form of self-hate:
The only thing we really have is our consciousness: “Your level of expectation determines the limits of your reality.”
Expectations are based on one’s entire life experience; they involve every aspect of one’s life. When those expectations for others are not met, the first attack is on the hater – “Was/Is my level of consciousness inadequate? Why did I expect that if it was not to be?”
If hate is determined by a level of expectation, what can we rationally expect from others?
Is complete forgiveness possible?
Trust is built on fulfilled expectations.

Winter Sunset from

Yoga lesson learned today:

When you are uncomfortable, or in any physical or mental/emotional pain, the mind races to distract you in any way possible. But this is the easy way out. Avoidance of pain is avoidance of life, since pain and joy are on two ends of the same spectrum. Like Kahlil Gibran says, the more sorrow carves out of your being, the more joy you can hold. Pain is a reference for how happy you are right now.

If pain is endured healthfully, you will find that you build more endurance for it. In yoga, by acknowledging the pain, and keeping the mind focused on the breath and settling into the pain, we push our tolerance a little farther, and the result is greater flexibility and strength (physically and mentally). Easier said than done, but well worth the effort.

Ladies, listen up! Toward the end of a 2-1/2 hour phone conversation with my dear, older, half-brother the other night, I think he may have let slip 2 golden rules to keeping your man happy in a relationship:

1) Nothing is more sexy to a man than a woman that is totally into him

2) Be nice to him

They sound simple, but anyone who has tried to maintain a long-term relationship knows these are many times the first to go out the window when problems arise.

Men have delicate egos. I have a theory that the reason men are, on the whole, so self-conscious, is that they are constantly comparing themselves to other men. Not only are they always mentally sizing themselves up next to other men, men never hesitate to unabashedly point out other men’s faults when they get together in groups. “He so bald, he’s so fat, he’s a minuteman, he’s so short, he’s gay, etc., etc., etc.” To make it even worse, they will point out a man’s faults when eligible women are around, resulting in a complete humiliation. At least women usually only bash on other women behind their backs. Not sure which is worse.

Anyway, my point is that men need women to feel good about themselves, so use your power! Understand that your man spends all day trying to prove he’s good enough. So the next time he comes at you in a bad mood, instead of reaching into your back pocket for that ace you’ve been saving for a few months, refrain from jumping into the death spiral of negativity and try instead to be nice, reminding him that he is the center of your universe. Besides, it’s best to bring up issues when both parties are relatively calm and open. Communication is best done in a spirit of love and compassion. I am going to try this myself, and if you have any experience in this, I’d love to hear about it ;)

Solitare and Lessons in Manifest Destiny

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Solitary Mount Shasta, taken through the window of my car

 

My mother taught me the card game Solitare when I was a young girl. I had always wondered whether every game was winnable or not, or if I was just lacking some key strategies. I did some online research at the beginning of this year, and learned that not every game is winnable, but that by following basic strategies, at least 1-out-of-3 games could be won. So I spent a few months playing 3 games a night on my cell phone right before bed. What I began to learn about myself was remarkable, and taught me a lesson in manifesting your own destiny. I began to see the same effects in other areas of my life as well.

I carefully noted my mental process throughout each game, and found that my intentions greatly influenced how far I would get in each game. If I was optimistic and played as if I could win, I usually would win or get much farther in the game than if I had had a bad day that day, or generally felt negative or pessimistic. Also, if I had left a game unfinished from the following night (believed that the game was over and had given up), I would often be shocked to pick it up the next night and see one or more plays that I had missed the night before.

What this showed me is that when you have a belief in your future success, you are more open to seeing the opportunities, the doors to your success, that are right in front of you. However, another true experience of mine demonstrates how important open-mindedness is in situations:

I was watching a movie/documentary that claimed that the Native Americans could not see Columbus approaching in his ships because they had never seen ships before. Now, I consider myself an open-minded and scientific-minded individual. But the assertion that people would be physically unable to observe something outside of their world-view seemed absolutely absurd. However, the very next day, after ordering lunch in the deli at work, I stepped over to the condiments counter to grab a napkin. I knew that was where the napkins always sat, so when I scanned the counter once and didn’t see them, I scanned it again, this time slowly right to left, then scanned the other counters in the room twice, to make sure there were no napkins available before troubling the woman at the register.

I felt humbled and very surprised when she gracefully pointed at the very counter I had been standing a foot away from, and said “The napkins are over there.” I followed her hand gesture to the same counter, and I still didn’t see them. After shaking my head, then looking back at her and seeing how confident she was, I looked hard again. Sure enough, there were three or four piles of square pink, green, & yellow napkins in the middle of the counter. Because I was expecting narrow, rectangular, white napkins in a straight pile, I could not see the colored napkins.

I learned that our vision of the future, and thus our success, is easily shaped by our paradigms, which may be faulty. Paradigms and dismal visions of the future should be challenged regularly, or you will blindly pass by opportunities.

I started thinking about this again due to my recent upheaval & move to San Francisco. I think that because I chose to follow my initial epiphany with an open mind, the entire process has felt strangely “guided,” as if success was inevitable, and opportunities have clearly presented themselves at just the right times.

It started with my revelation on that Sunday night that it was time to leave Bakersfield. It was like my buddy Norm had said about finding a life partner: you know it’s the right one when you cannot picture future events in your life without them. I felt like I had received a vision of the future, and it was not at my home in Bakersfield, and so I had no choice but to leave.

Then, the next big decision–where to live in San Francisco. The foster dog I had been caring for mysteriously disappeared one day, which oddly didn’t concern me very much. I had a feeling that she had found a good home, while her running away conveniently eliminated the stress of having to find her a home quickly or move with both a dog and a cat. Then, after responding to only one other add for housemates (a no-go since the lady had failed to mention in the ad that she owned a canary), I came upon the ad for a room for rent on Treasure Island that allowed a cat. After leaving a message for the ad, I knew from the voice on the voicemail that I would be living at that apartment. A more tangible confirmation of my decision came to me after partially moving in two nights ago. I was taken aback to notice that there were two geographic maps posted in the hallway outside my bedroom–the exact same 2 maps of Europe and Africa from 2 separate issues of National Geographic magazine that I had chosen for my bedroom wall in Bakersfield.

My decisions and opportunities regarding work have also come very easily–For example, the massage space for rent in San Francisco also came to me so perfectly that it seemed orchestrated. Upon developing a phony massage business plan for my final massage school project, I came upon the ad for this shared room for rent at a terrific price, in downtown San Francisco. I decided to base my business plan around that price. I remember getting very excited seeing that add, and feeling a burning sensation throughout my inner body, like the space would be perfect for me, even though I hadn’t even graduated or committed to pursuing massage therapy full-time. I immediately inquired through email about the space and committed to a long-term lease. At first, the therapist curteously replied back, saying that she had decided to go with someone more experienced. I was somewhat disappointed, but not crushed, and replied with a grateful thank you for the information.

About a week later, I received an email back saying she had not found the right person for the space and would I like to stop by and have a look. The second I walked in the office I knew it was meant to be mine. It was perfectly decorated, with an ambiance much better than I had imagined, and the confirmation (to me!) was that a “W” magazine, one of the few I subscribe to in Bakersfield, was out in the waiting room. I received my keys to the room last week.

Several other items regarding work have fallen right into place, but I will save them for later. Part of me doesn’t want to jinx my future success by revealing them now, while the other part of me knows that success is inevitable. Either way, I will end this discussion now.

I’m learning that by following my intuition, and allowing myself to cling to a dream of a bright and successful future, that the opportunities and decisions become vividly clear, and I truly can make manifest the destiny of my choosing.

M HIke

The Halloween moon looked cool next to these trees on the mountainside during my freezing, invigorating hike to Bozeman’s “M” yesterday evening. I needed to get some exercise and fresh air after my 2 pound burrito at my favorite Bozeman restaurant, La Parilla.

I finally finished reading Autobiography of a Yogi yesterday, and obtained many new insights and ideas (like the idea to dress up as Cosmic Consciousness for Halloween!). Taking it all with a grain of salt (my experience), I was interested in the concept of India’s banished caste system, and how it relates to my life personally:

“The origin of the caste system, formulated by the great legislator Manu, was admirable. He saw clearly that men are distinguished by natural evolution into four great classes: those capable of offering service to society through their bodily labor ( Sudras); those who serve through mentality, skill, agriculture, trade, commerce, business life in general (Vaisyas); those whose talents are administrative, executive, and protective—rulers and warriors ( Kshatriyas); those of contemplative nature, spiritually inspired and inspiring (Brahmins). “Neither birth nor sacraments nor study nor ancestry can decide whether a person is twice-born (i.e., a Brahmin);” the Mahabharata declares, “character and conduct only can decide.” Manu instructed society to show respect to its members insofar as they possessed wisdom, virtue, age, kinship or, lastly, wealth. Riches in Vedic India were always despised if they were hoarded or unavailable for charitable purposes. Ungenerous men of great wealth were assigned a low rank in society.

Serious evils arose when the caste system became hardened through the centuries into a hereditary halter. Social reformers like Gandhi and the members of very numerous societies in India today are making slow but sure progress in restoring the ancient values of caste, based solely on natural qualification and not on birth.”

My personal take on it is that I see myself contributing in all 4 sectors. I started in my youth as a laborer, and through education, I’ve taken on the second tier with my white-collar job as an engineer/project manager with an oil company. Eventually, I see myself gravitating toward the more contemplative nature, spiritually inspired and inspiring. I believe that when I am ready, I will be a leader, but not until I’ve gained enough wisdom and can consistently be honest and truthful with others and myself. For now, I’ll be content to labor or use my mental skills as I grow in the latter 2 areas.

The great Greek philosopher taught that there was no difference between life and death. “Why, then,” inquired a critic, “do you not die?” “Because,” answered Thales, “it makes no difference.”

“Seek truth in meditation, not in moldy books. Look in the sky to find the moon, not in the pond.”
-Persian proverb.

~from Autobiography of a Yogi

Some classic Amy Grant lyrics from Heart in Motion, where a big theme is the duality of all things, including love & commitment:

The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
And the mighty wind that knocks us down, if we lean into it, will drive our fears away.
~How Can We See That Far

Love can soothe what love hath burned.
~You’re Not Alone

I heard once that the Eskimos have 30 or 40 words that translate only as snow in English, because it is so fundamental to their lives. I think we ought to have as many for love, and that the word is used too vaguely in our culture, which makes it hard to know what someone really means when they say they love you. I believe love in a romantic relationship is really a series of things, including attraction, admiration, need, trust, respect, and commitment. The “I love you” I strive for includes all these things, and it can take decades to acheive. So anyway, I mentally substituted commitment for love in the following lyrics to give them more meaning (although some other aspects of love could work too):

Sometimes, we make it harder than it is
We’ll take a perfect night
And fill it up with words we don’t mean
Dark sides best unseen
And we wonder why we’re feeling this way

Sometimes, I wonder if we really feel the same
Why we can be unkind
Questioning the strongest of hearts
That’s when we must start
Believing in the one thing
That has gotten us this far

That’s what love is for
To help us through it
Nothing else can do it
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that’s what love is for

Sometimes, I see you, and you don’t know I am there
And I’m washed away
By emotions I hold deep down inside
Getting stronger with time
It’s living through the fire
And holding on we find
That’s what love is for

Round off the edges
Talk us down from the ledges
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that’s what love is for
~That’s What Love Is For

After 2 nine-hour days on the road, I had arrived in Pierce, Idaho. I passed many small towns along the way, and one in particular was so cute, I had to call my boyfriend and tell him all about it. I went on and on about how cute all the little houses were with their pumpkins on the front porches, and with the children playing in the parks and walking down the sidewalks strewn with fall leaves. He responded, yeah, right, it looks nice now…and I knew he was referring to the racism and white supremacy he had heard about in and around Idaho (this town was in eastern Washington). I joked, “No way, this town is too cute,” but I couldn’t convince him. As I hung up the call with him, I was astonished by a single billboard on the way out of town:

I was saddened by this naive and ignorant display of identity. Maybe it’s true, as George Carlin put it, that there’s a biggot and a racist on every street corner and every living room in this country.

Racism is a way of closing off your heart to a part of the universe; an exaggerated way of saying that I am different, separate, and will not co-exist with certain others, for whatever reason I choose. What racists don’t realize is that as long as there is fear or hatred toward others, there can be no inner peace, and certainly, no world peace.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

I had a delightful stay at Esalen, an alternative education institute perched inspiringly on the ocean cliffs near Big Sur (see pictures). I was in my element–meditating about psychology, art, and massage for 3 days, while breathing in the ocean air and gazing at myriads of stars through the steam of pristine natural hot springs. Anyone who knows me can picture me eagerly waking up early in order not to miss a morning “Global Dance” session, where you dance your heart out to fun, funky music in broad daylight with a smile on your face. I also had a chance to attend a light-hearted yoga class with a kind and nurturing instructor. I love going to different yoga teachers and getting all the different perspectives that I can.

My classmates were diverse and good-spirited, so it made for a very pleasant experience overall. Our main teacher, Pablo, from Argentina, had a fun accent that reminded me of my Venezuelan friends from Chevron, and had such a peaceful countenance and a real joy in teaching, so it was fun to be around him. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the food at Esalen, which was hearty, delicious, and thoughtful. I was lucky to be at an adjacent table at lunch on Saturday when a young woman on a work-study at Esalen was looking for a ride to San Francisco on Sunday. I quickly offered, she gratefully accepted, and we met on Sunday and had such a nice 3-1/2 hour drive to San Francisco in my 4Runner. She was so much fun to talk to and hang out with, and the time really flew.

I had a laid-back, somewhat guilty-feeling-Monday: attending a 9:30 yoga class at Greenpath across the street from my trusty friend The Surf motel on Lombard, then getting a manicure/pedicure with a great massage. I went out in the afternoon to find a new beautiful beach (I found one! Stinson Beach) and some hills in the sunshine (see pictures).

But as the quote above put it, 4 days in Northern California and I’m already getting soft, so it’s time to move on. Tomorrow is my last day in San Francisco, then I’m heading up north on I-5 toward Oregon, then on to Idaho.