Apparently I like to go off on rants when I’m deathly ill, so, here we go…
The world sucks right now. The word “career” is quite possibly my least favorite word. When someone asks me how my “career” is going I have a gag reflex.
How is it that I made it all the way through college, through my first “career”, before I ever was encouraged by ANYONE to follow my own dreams? Yes, I was told I was smart, and talented, and could do anything I put my mind to. I was a promise, I was a possibility, I was a promise with a capital “P”, I was a great big bundle of potentiality. But I was really fucking limited by the minds around me while I was trying to figure out what I was meant to be doing. I would give anything now to be able to go back in time with the knowledge that I have now and encourage myself with all boldness to follow the paths that excited me the most. I wanted to be a writer. I was interested in the law. I wanted to be a business person. So now I’ve taken a hugely circumvented path to those things, wasting 8.5 years studying and applying something I cared nothing about except philosophically. I’m angry, because now I’m 31 years old, still cleaning off the fears and safety nets that people around me vomited onto me.
Why did I accept all that in the first place? I knew I was an individual capable of anything. My 6th grade classmates mirrored that back to me when I moved away, writing sentiments to me like “see you when you’re President”, etc. I was voted most likely to succeed in high school, and ended up valedictorian and class president. I figured out the game of school and I was really good at it.
So somehow it feels like I’m starting all over again. Maybe that’s what your Saturn return is all about. It starts you over from scratch, gives you a second chance to re-live your childhood in your 30’s and plot a different next 30 years with your gained information.
I liked this clip I saw from Steve Jobs today (via Paul Makepeace):
“When you grow up you tend to get told the world is the way it is and you’re life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money.
That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use.
Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.”
So, I’m tempted now to lay out all the problems I see with the world, and attempt one-by-one to change it, influence it, and build a reality that fits with my vision. Because I do trust my vision. I’m relearning to do that. I wasn’t the smartest leader as a kid or in high school. There was a lot I would do differently. But I took the reins. I was somewhat effective. And I can birth my visions into the world.
I’m sitting here, 4.5 years living with a very interesting San Francisco family, 1.5 years unattached to any particular partner, and feeling like “where the hell am I going now?”, because this certainly isn’t a satisfying life either. The only things I’ve held onto are my coaching job, my cat, and my house/housemates in San Francisco. With everything else up in the air, now feels like the perfect time to re-ask myself how it is my perfect world is being manifested, and what I’m doing to make that happen. I regret that the best thing I could come up with in college was to become a chemical engineer and make the “big bucks”. That’s because no one my family knew of was a real mover/shaker, a real game-changer. We idolized the white-collar workers who could live a more “comfortable” life making say 50,000+/year. And I can’t believe I actually followed a dead dream of doing something I saw absolutely no value in in exchange for enough money to feel comfortable. It was only a matter of time before that little sailboat totally lost wind.
I guess I just needed to get that off my chest, again.
I’m really interested in turning this ship around. I’m really interested in helping others figure out where they can best start to work to manifest our common dreams together into the world. Because what else is there? There are dreams, dreamers, and reality (dreams manifested). When somebody tells me they are a realist, that also makes me want to gag. What the fuck does that mean? They believe in other people’s already manifested, dead dreams? Yuck.
No thanks, I want more. Let’s create more together. I believe that’s what we are here on this planet to do. Life, as a force, is about constant betterment and adaptation. It’s built into our DNA. We feel it every time a child is born or every time a kid graduates from school. Moving on to something better, yay. Not something worse, or something real. We all need to keep dreaming, and keep acting in the direction of those dreams. Why can’t we all have the world we dream of? That’s why I feel so strongly about what Gibran said, that “the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, then walks grinning in the funeral.”
I’m barely comfortable right now. In fact, I’m pretty uncomfortable financially, materially, relationship/partnership-wise, my perceived impact on the world around me, it all sucks right now. It’s all less than what I desire. But I can dream, and I can act in the direction of those dreams, and I’ll be damned if I don’t spend the rest of my life trying to do that. I’ve been avoiding and ditching comfort traps for the past 5 years, and I’m getting close to busting out into life like a geyser. Watch out world, this girl’s about to set herself on fire.