How I’m feeling lately, explanation to follow:
In my state of blind confusion, no god can pull me out.
These lonely tears I cry, they keep me in chains & I wish they’d release me.
Cold is the night but colder still is the heart made of stone turned from clay.
And if you’d follow me you’ll see all the black, all the white, fade to grey.
~Jars of Clay, Fade to Grey, Much Afraid album
Sometimes, I don’t know what to do, and it feels like blind confusion. You have your experience, you have what others advise you to do about your experience, and if you keep an open mind and try to see all sides of the story, it feels like you are blind, because the easy answers disappear. “No god can pull me out” is my general state of mind. When there are no answers people turn to God. God implies absolutes, and I have no absolutes to pull me out of my tough situations.
Tears feel very lonely in general. Tears feel like an indulgence, one that you feel guilty for. But when you need to be strong & reign in your emotions, the emotions do not disappear. They are repressed. And what is repressed will be expressed.
When you go through trying times, it’s hard to keep your heart open to the world. You want to focus just on yourself and shut everyone out. I suppose this is a protective mechanism. You can’t take the chance that anyone else will rock your world. You can stay behind your wall for some time, but you must come out in order to heal, and in order not to alienate people that want to help you. You want your heart to be clay, and not to let it turn to stone.
I love this line, because I think it sums up an important characteristic of mine: “If you’d follow me, you’d see all the black, all the white, fade to grey.” I pride myself on consideration of multiple viewpoints with as little prejudice as possible. People like black & white. The enemy is “evil.’ Abortion is “wrong.” Things are “good” or “bad.” You’re on my team, or you’re not. But the truth is most often somewhere inbetween. It is not popular to be perceived as indecisive, or not to take a stand on an issue.
“Any fool can have an opinion…” I would rather live with some confusion than to back an opinion prematurely.
I’m not the person you come to if someone wronged you and you want a simple answer. There’s so many people out there that think they can give good advice not knowing the situation. Oh, he cheated on you? Leave him! Maybe my dilemma is the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. But I’ve found that I live in the world of grey more than most people are comfortable with.