The more I learn/notice, the more my mind is blown. I really don’t understand how people just walk around this planet and take it all for granted and hold it all together mentally. It makes me feel either really smart, or really stupid: Smart, that I’ve caught onto something so profound in the mundane, or stupid, that I should take it for granted that it’s profound and go along with it like I’m supposed to be paying attention to something else of greater profundity, or indulging in hedonism.
In looking for and at patterns, I reflect on what my life is manifesting. In times of chaos, I look for signs, directions, currents. I find myself back in a pattern of sorts, that makes me feel young/retarded at an older age. Again, six years into a new “place.” Trying not to tell myself any stories. Noticing who and what is around me. Clearing my paradigms, so that I can avoid the trappings of the One who tells the worst disturbing stories to me. Excited for the opportunities that lay ahead of me, and the chance to reinvent myself, yet again. The chance to recreate new routines, to align myself a little more closely with the parts of the universe which delight me. To get rid of the mismatching, shabby old curtains that someone else picked out, that I got used-to. To travel.
Feeling the upheaval of my next transformation, in a single phone call, where someone hadn’t communicated with me their intention very well, then offers me something I don’t want and assumes me to be like something I am not, and then I have to decide what to be and what to want all over again, and it overwhelms me. I don’t know who I am nor what I want right now. I only vaguely know what I don’t want. There is no yellow brick road, and I’m lost. The wisest people I knew understood a lot of my life would be about collecting experiences. But did they know how frustrating that would feel? And that I would search for answers in really dark places, and feel so isolated that I would want to make something magical out of the nothings that would flutter by, and experience such highs and lows as a result?
Someone old enough to know, listening to my story last week: “Oh! You’re a student!” Yes, it seems so. A student with a bad case of “usefulness-wanting disorder”, or “Anti-art disease”, or “process distrust,” or SOMETHING. If #winning at life requires deep-diving into an object of devotion, I am surely not #winning. I am Gemini-ing. Rejecting un-awesomeness at every turn, without feeling like I’m creating much awesomeness of my own, though there are glimpses. Taking with not much feeling-offered. Being hard on myself. Still getting my bearings. Still learning how to give. And take. Appropriately. And with authenticity. And to communicate.
I must trust, that, if humanity allowed me to be spawned from it, that ya’ll would be really the most happy if I just did what came the most natural and easy to me and made the most sense, in a 20/20 hindsight kinda way. Whatever the hell that is. And I don’t want you to tell me any more anyway.
Perhaps the lesson for the student tonight was simply: Don’t take caffeine on an empty stomach. You have a delicate mood, and it is easily disturbed. Now go to bed.