Valentine’s Day Musings

In a really weird mood thanks to a V-day conversation with a certain London breaker of peace. I thought asking about the weather would be a neutral enough question, but it opened up a shitcan of worms. Being a natural planner and enough Virgo, I get unnerved by the thought of moving toward a chaotic, catastrophic climate-change-propelled future. But the Aries in me loves the challenge of facing an unknown and conquering. I find that the men I have been spending time with lately are these high testosterone, thrill-seeking warriors that are all in some kind of potentiality flux. Maybe I'm looking for these fucking mirrors right now because I am redesigning my life.

Unfortunately, after 9 years of grounding, I'm not willing to chain myself to a boring 9-to-5er again, so I'm stuck having to deal with amplified feelings of chaos and uncertainty in the people I choose to talk to and hang out with. Not that I don't have a plan, at least for a good portion of this year. It's the good portion of my life that is totally up in the air. It's like when I quit my job at Chevron and asked myself "Where do I want to go and what do I want to do, if ANYTHING and ANYWHERE were possible." And the question totally overwhelmed me, so I pussied out, moved to San Fran near the BoyF and put too many cards on the massage table. I think I was actually on the right track with the federal government work and the hammer coaching. Those were conscious, passionate choices I manifested. When you create a business, you create a universe, a process, a system of laws. You have to be committed and ready to run it like you are its God. It's a world on your shoulders, and if you are not running with it, it will crush you.

So do I want to start another business right now? Hell no! Only a fool would aspire to run a business without a strong vision and an end-game. Just sayin'. From experience.

My financial planner is challenging me to think of my future now too, which I honestly haven't done seriously, and never in alignment with what my true self really wants and needs. It's a challenging time of self-discovery. I'm learning a lot. That's the point.

I want to talk about my sex and relationship life eventually because I think it is equally revealing and brim-full of lessons, just have to give it some more thought as to how to present it. Hmmmm. Sometimes I wish people weren't so damned human.