Probably some random reflections, musings at the airport on my way home to San Francisco for the new year…

On life balance: The past 4 years I have been using every available waking hour as a “work” hour. I had more vacations than normal this summer and my Yosemite trip in particular was very difficult for me to adapt to “not working.” It wasn’t even that I was working productively 100 hours/week. A lot of the time was traveling between jobs, or intense sessions at a computer. Mostly I was spending time worrying about all the things I wouldn’t be getting done, and feeling guilty about sitting down on the couch after dinner occasionally. I almost totally denied myself any fun social activities beyond going to the movies by myself or with an old friend. FOR THREE YEARS.

The new year brings new opportunities to redefine what I want my life to look like. This has come at a steep price. My past 4 years were spent working very hard to build a life that would eventually bring me freedom and leisure, or at least get me by. It was a backward pursuit that burnt me out physically and spiritually and ultimately confused me in the end. I realize how much, and how little I can accomplish on my own. I learned the art of planning for success. I learned the art of delegation and the invaluable asset of community. And I’m learning more every minute about the value of taking action when I am called to and not letting things play out too far.

By leaving my relationship early this summer, I was making a conscious choice (finally) to spend my time with someone who truly loved and trusted me. I was so ready for something better and more awesome, a smooth ride with an open heart. I think I committed to the idea of commitment with him. I must have been rebounding from 2 years of casual flinging and was wanting something “deeper.” I’m still so immature when it comes to relationship dynamics. I hope I can manifest a real partnership. I don’t know how so many other people in the world have done it. But how many are really doing it successfully, and not just co-dependently? How can I practice for this? Ugh.

Not only did I kill my relationship but I’ve now decided to kill its child, my massage therapy business. The dopamine is gone there too and come to think of it, it was manifesting the same pattern as my relationship: It wasn’t meeting my needs and that was ok as long as someone else was getting the benefits. Jeez Louise. When I did finally decide to get my needs met I discovered it just wasn’t what I really wanted after all anyway. Weird.

So maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that I need to be taken care of for a while. Let’s see where that takes me…