Not Nice Anymore

I’ve gone through some interesting transformations since middle school. My ‘best friend’ from high school, upon seeing me again ten years later, observed I wasn’t as "nice" as I used to be.

I think this is true, and I’ve been trying to determine why. In high school, I was a very nice, kind person, but I also had very rigid boundaries and positions. I was kind on the outside, but inside I was more distant from those I interacted with. I’ve observed that some Christians raised like I was make the mistake of feeling very confident in their status of being ‘saved’, and relate to others in a distanced way, from the deep-seeded position of being on a morally superior high-road.

As I’ve become more humble about my standing in the universe, I’ve become less careful about being a moral example by which others could come to God. I think falling from my high horse has bruised me up a little bit.

I’m not as patient as I used to be, and I don’t know why. While I’m far more tolerant and understanding of people’s actions in general, I’m sometimes less patient with people on a one-on-one basis. Perhaps living in a city has contributed to this. In the city you are not recognized or rewarded for kindness; in fact, it usually slows down any given exchange, so it is generally not practiced or encouraged.

Perhaps I’ve grown more into my Aries and Leo influences in the city; signs which favor quick decisions and pride. Perhaps in my humility I have hesitated to open my heart to others as freely, unsure of what I would say when they appreciate me, no longer quick to convert.

I’m not sure how to move forward, but I’m sure the path is being illuminated as I write this.