It’s possible that it’s not healthy to ponder one’s existence.
But when life gets weird, it’s sort of comforting to know life IS ultimately weird and unexplainable.
Marinating in the weird.

We are wired to action.
We are wired to growth.
We invented capitalism and yoga.
We are a parasite.

Knowing that right actions yield right results. Spotting the inauthenticity.

We have cravings, desires, needs, fears.

Did we ever live in balance with nature? An idle mind is the devil’s playground, and a lot of us have too much leisure.

Today I finished day 5 of a limeade fast. I drank only lemonade or limeade made from fresh-squeezed fruits with grade B maple syrup and filtered water all week.

Day 1 I was sipping consistently to keep satiated and hydrated, and I easily went through 16+ cups. The past few days I over-concentrated the drink, which was delicious, but meant I was taking fewer drinks–about half as much. It also started burning out my vocal chords from the acidity. My voice was really high-pitched that day, and crackly the next day.

I dialed it in by going back to 2 limes or lemons, which is about 1/4 C of liquid, to 1/4 C syrup, then 8 C water.

Anyway, I was a bit delirious by the end of the second day. I also worked nonstop about 9.5 hours that day so it didn’t help matters. However, today I feel oddly fine, like this is just my new lifestyle. All food smells really really good. One issue I had was I came home for a nap after work, and I was pretty disoriented when R came home. I sat up, but was confused when he tried to kiss me as it felt too ticklish on my lips.

Side note: I’ve also been resolving not to pick at my skin or hair this week.

I was using a straw at first so as not to over-acidize my teeth, but it wasn’t really working, so I resorted to buying and chewing gum to help balance my oral chemistry. Interestingly, when you go a while without eating, the jaw gets weaker, so this may counteract that.

But, so far this cleanse (not a fan of that word) has had zero impact on these mysterious skin bumps/bites I’ve been getting, so it may be time to break the fast, since hat was my entire objective. I do feel I could go another five days, but I’m not sure of the advantages at this point. I’ve gotten back a little self-control, at the expense of dropping a little brain function (according to R). 

Had a cavity filled for the first time in 10 years, and the 2nd time ever.

Keep getting told that I grind my teeth by dentists. I caught myself the other day sliding my clenched teeth over each other to the rhythm of a song, like some kind of weird percussion instrument. I caught myself a few times in one day, which means I probably do it a lot.

I’m feeling the Virgo energy on this first day of Virgo. I’m getting very embodied, and hitting my experiments hardcore again.

This morning I did 1 hr of yoga before work, wore two of the same Rx contact lenses as an experiment (-1.25 I think), and juice-fasted all day.

R wants to know when my fast will be over. I told him my body will let me know. Typical signs are constant peeing, and a clear tongue.

I’m continuing to break out with “bug bites,” while R has ceased. I’m thinking it may be some kind of staph infection, so I’m hoping my fast will work its typical magic in starving out the bad bugs in my body. Anyway, a few days without overeating, caffeine, and sugar can’t do me any harm.

Noticing that this time of year brings me courage and resolve

Keeping in mind the rules of thumb: relaxing the body can reduce stress, just as stress can tense the body

The breakthrough: I have a pattern of recklessness — living on the edge. Pushing myself too far. Failing too often. Not practicing self-care. No buffers. No backups. Time to adjust. Time to become sustainable.

Feeling grateful for a partner. A super dance partner.

Realizing to be a artist you must simply make art. Most won’t.

Realizing I’m a late bloomer. Assuming I bloom. My life may be the blossom.

Grateful to be an American. Part of the Great Experiment.

Hoping I can become more conscious, more rooted, more me.

Realizing what poor shape I am in, and what it takes to sustain bodily discipline.

Committed.

Curious about economic growth. Wondering if capitalism is merely a function of resources. As resources become more scarce, maybe socialism and communism make more sense. Maybe resources are becoming more scarce.

Noticing how life’s work is the solving of many little obstacles. Being an assistant, I do this many many times a day. An entire day can be lost or won depending on how each small battle turns out. Today was a marathon.

I’m up at “midnight” after sleeping a good 3 hours, and found a great article on astrology, which has given me some more career insights.

http://www.astro.com/astrology/in_dgtenthhouse_e.htm

Think what you will of astrology, but the language and discussion around its concepts has shed more light onto my life than anything else, other than direct observations from people who know me well.

Regarding the 10th house:

““What’s my life direction? Is it time for a change? Am I in the right field?” Into the 10th we’re pushed and prodded more than any other area of life. Meet someone new and you can’t help asking a 10th house question: “What do you do for a living?”

“The Midheaven represents the Sun’s culmination, its highest reach on the day you were born. Correspondingly, it signifies how high you can go this lifetime.”

Even though, as the author of this article admits: “in deathbed scenes, people rarely express regret [nor] gather comfort from their career choices… Rarely do the dying obsess about 10th house things.”

But what really hit home was this insight: “Whatever the sign in your 10th house, you’ve got to grow your professional image beyond your childhood strategies and take your place in the world with maturity and strength. To do this, you must take a journey as old as myth. Just getting older won’t do it. You have to kill the king, or in modern parlance, face the boss…Modern astrologers give Saturn the natural rulership of this house. Saturn is the planet of authority. And claiming your authority is THE 10th house passage. A child has no choice but to listen to its authority figures. An adult must grapple with these figures, good or bad, and overtake them.”

She goes on to talk about authority, and how others treat you when you have it, which I have experienced: “Some days it seemed that mythical parent-child battles were all that was really going on. Become an authority figure and you’ll quickly find this out. Your intentions are misperceived, your praise is never enough, your criticisms are exaggerated and devastating. In fact you’re not really you at all, but some god or monster, depending on their filter. If you want to be liked, forget it, because everyone really does need to kill you in order to grow.”

I like the concept of claiming your authority as a crucial career-defining step, however. It’s empowering.

It reminds me of an activist I worked with over the past few years, who had a message for me to pass on to my CEO(s): “Leaders need to lead.”

We must resolve our childhoods and claim the ground we want to step onto. This is part of becoming “who you want to be when you grow up.”

And it seems fitting as I enter my 35th birthday, and begin another new job. Will I finally step into my Taurus moon, and give the Gemini act a break? Yes, I’ve done oh-so-many interesting things and have oh-so-many interesting stories, but it may be time to settle into my now-better-known better qualities and take off from there.

Here we are, back in Aries. My last month of being 34. It’s almost as if I’ve lived two lives: before and after 18.

As my boyfriend and I walked down Ocean Blvd in Long Beach tonight, I remarked at how far I’ve come from Montana. Everywhere you look here, you’ll see some kind of Palm tree. And so many Birds of Paradise plants. I have to keep reminding myself that parts of the country are under snow.

I am 40 pounds overweight currently, which makes me feel older. I think my more regular schedule will help bring my cravings back under control.

It’s remarkable that I’ve had so much freedom the past 9 years: to vacation as often as I wanted; to work as many days a week as I wanted (which usually meant every day). My current transition back into structure, and the “freedoms” it offers, is already an adjustment.

An episode of Park and Rec tonight spoke of “tourist” syndrome: described as someone who stays a couple years here and there and just takes away stories, rather than caring long-term for the communities and people they touch. That has felt like me, pretty much since I left high school. Probably even before that. When you get uprooted at a young age you learn not to invest because of the heartache it is sure to cause later. The show described a “tourist” as selfish, which sounds harsh. It is probably true in the raw sense, but a negative connotation is not necessary. We can’t always be settlers in life: in some stages we are tourists. But now, just maybe with this partner at this time in my life, I’ll have another opportunity to settle.

Settling in
It found me
Sitting in my feminine
My favorite mode
Put on a flashy outfit
One that reflects my mood
And let them find you
This is the do-over
Will I rush in, mad and worried?
Or will I breathe
Plan
And execute
No rush
No spinning of wheels
No pounding down doors
Just solid actions
Follow-up

The Universe has simple laws
And your body knows the way
Even if your consciousness doesn’t know it
Three pounds of bacteria talk to your brain

Earlier today, I played with a swarm of bees
Like a pitbull
They just wanted to test whether I was afraid
I was not
I earned their respect

I watched a live birth on video
the whole thing
for the first time
and it put the fear in me
it’s good not to have any delusions
Though i wonder if she had listened to her own cues to push,
whether she could have avoided the hemorraging

I’m in a health experiment
Like always
Since my last trip to Pakistan
I’ve gained and gained the weight
Now I have work and a new chapter
so we will see where the rhythms take me

You learn a lot when you take on something new.

My first week, I thought I was no good at security. But then I got to the saying “no” part, and it turns out I’m pretty good at that! Makes sense, as my mom says my first word was “no.”

Working at a “Natural Products” Expo this weekend has been quite the experience.

Authenticity is becoming more relevant in society, and it seemed to be the theme of the Grammy award winners this year.

Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love, my least favorite song of the year, won for R&B. I can only speculate that it’s because she seemed to let her hair down a bit in that song. It was like hearing the living room version of Beyoncé: drunk, intimate conversations between her and her husband and, er, ebonics.

A big winner for the night was Sam Smith, who I’ll admit I didn’t *get*. He’s too sappy for me, a true Cancer male. I wrote him off my radar after hearing his songs for the first time. But his most touching speech revealed that he finally got the traction he desired by “being himself,” rather than trying to lose weight and any other number of things that gets Hollywood’s attention. Apparently, he is a well-loved songwriter in Hollywood so I think that explains his popularity even more. But his songs do feel like very personally *his* songs…it’s a true expression, one that just happens not to suit my taste, no matter how catchy!

I was disappointed for Iggy Azalea, whose songs were all over the radio in 2014. But she seems to get blasted constantly in the media for her “authenticity.” And it really makes one question what is authenticity, when a white rapper comes on the US scene from Australia, sporting a southern black accent and language. Conversely, Eminem won the best rapper award, and has proved his “authenticity” by bringing back his old homophobic and violent lyrics and not showing up to grab his award ;-)

Many years ago, I remember someone speculating that the jobs in the “next economy” would require more specialization; that is, it would be important for each person to bring their unique gifts to the marketplace, since, after automization of most routine jobs, the remaining jobs would become more niche. I think this is happening, and it calls for a higher level of authenticity, of knowing one’s self. Because it is hard to market yourself to employers when you don’t know who you are!

Financial psychic Andrrea Hess talks about your “authentic self” being the most profitable self also. The New Age community talks a lot about your soul purpose, which sounds a lot like “things that make you happy.” And while I think every dream is not necessarily monetizable, it does make sense that you are going to be more persistent and determined to succeed doing things you love to do.

Authenticity…