I seem to be experiencing a strange mix of emotions. If everyone goes through the same existential crap that I go through it truly is humbling how much joy and stability exists in the world. I am typing this from the mountains of eastern New Mexico, where the air is possibly thin enough that I’m just enough oxygen-deprived to be experiencing my emotions through a slightly more negative lens. I’m reflecting on my life to date, my education, jobs and relationships, and trying to make sense of it all. I feel like I’ve truly been through so much as a person: A rocky childhood spotted with hunger, cold, poverty, violence, transience, and religious absolutes. Leaning heavily on my academic and athletic achievements as a means to a better life. The pursuit of an education for the purposes of material prosperity and intellectual stimulation.  The striving and exhausting of my body to achieve physical feats beyond my capacity. The relationships:  the ambitious, materialistic, mama’s boy jocks; the aloof, unavailable, intellectually fascinating targets of seduction, the passionate one-night stands with perfect god-like archetypes, intense loyalties destroyed by mistrust or financial inequalities. The failure to plan for long-term happiness in career. The physical readiness to be married with kids at age 18, the agonizing delay of that gratification for over a decade.

A manifesto on the meaning of life:

A disillusionment that every conception is holy. To ask, what frees my heart? What makes me feel free? What is my bliss? To engage in a partnership and yet have the option at any minute to pull the plug and run away, knowing that you are perfectly capable, if not miserable, on your own.  What do I dream of? How do I bring others into that dream?

I needed to do some research at this point, and found this great list worthy of my meditation for today:

“For our purposes, I will define spiritual health as a condition evidenced by the presence of several of these characteristics:

1. sense of inner peace

2. finding comfort and/or strength in one’s spiritual beliefs and values

3. a belief in divine or perpetual goodness

4. a belief in one’s own worth and/or goodness

5. ability to receive and offer love and care

6. strong connection to people

7. sense of place or purpose in the world

8. ability to forgive self and others

9. hopefulness in the future

10. sense of some control over one’s own life

And conversely, a lack of spiritual health may be evidenced by the presence of several of these

characteristics:

1. persistent fear

2. excessive guilt

3. addictions

4. inner turmoil

5. sense of hopelessness

6. frequent conflict with others

7. victimization of self and/or others

8. judgmental, punishing, and/or harsh behavior toward self and/or others

9. needing constant approval from outside one’s self

10. excessive anger

11. sense of worthlessness

12. rigidity

13. And perhaps most significantly, the tendency to justify any of the above negative behaviors with religious teaching or value”

http://www.abortionconversation.com/SpiritualHealth.pdf

To spiritual health…

I attended the Dia do Los Muertos in the heart of the Mission this year (Nov 2nd) for the first time. To be honest, I was a bit taken aback by how many people were there seemingly just for a party. I suppose I expected a more somber, traditional event, something I would feel slightly uncomfortable intruding upon. To the contrary, it felt more like Bay to Breakers if it were held at night and everyone painted their face to look like a skull.

I got some of the depth I was searching for in the park where the altars were erected.

This was the first one to provoke some heavy emotion – I assumed it was meant to be an altar to the lives lost and mutations altered due to the Hiroshima nuclear disaster. I extrapolated it to be a memorial to everyone and everything lost in humankind’s fairly recent exploration of chemical power. To me this means what we’ve lost environmentally (destroying ozone, water sources, hormonally altering animals, effects of nuclear radiation) and personally (deaths due to drugs, side-effects and deaths due to prescription medications).

The first disturbing altar I actually saw was a memorial to Steve Jobs:

I can’t explain why it was disturbing except that the altar itself really stood out amongst the backdrop of a traditional Mexican holiday as something very, well, white, and simple and technology-forward. The two contrasted so much it was hard to reconcile them both existing at the same place and time.

Another moving altar was the clusterf*** that was this altar:

There was some kind of trancy low-frequency humming sound playing in the background and the sheer span of cultures and items in the altar brought forth a lot of emotions around tradition, culture, family, etc. It left me feeling as one person on Yelp said: “Much like dream catchers hanging from the car rear view mirror…no relevance….only stealing another culture because the culture of the U.S. is entertainment & thats why people go to this event..they have no real culture of their own.”

I actually felt this loss very deeply at this event. It reminded me of how little “culture” or “tradition” I have, and how rich and deeply meaningful the traditions of other cultures are. It must feel weird for a Mexican native to have a hollow, traditionless, white, European-American help them celebrate a holiday we have no blood-connection nor memories toward.

It shows there is something to be said for staying put long enough to create something beautiful and meaningful.

But speaking of traditions, another very elegant altar honored the original Burning Man Black Rock City architect:

I guess this goes to show that Americans are capable of producing traditions, odd and interesting as they are!

One of the creepiest sights I saw was a mother in a long skirt and skull-painted face pushing her child on the swingset in the park in the dead of night. Really haunting!

Altogether a worthwhile experience, one of my favorite parts being a raisin tamale I bought for a dollar Ay, ay, ay-ay, canta y no llores…

Keeping current projects afloat
-not much planning time, mostly action/adjusting

Trichotillomania
-back with a vengeance, feeling mentally active and time-limited, burning candles at both ends and sleeping when possible (8pm bedtimes, 2 hours sleep/6 hours/11 hours/naps)
-picking at hair when mind is holding more than 2 directions without action, thumb blistering/peeling, new friend on plane stopping me gently and shaking head like don’t do that
-hair growing out-reminded why it was easier for me to keep it pixie short, less of a distraction
-drank a lot two nights in a row (Mon/Tues), felt very helpful for mellowing out, very rare for me to use drugs that way but body too tired for yoga, not in habit of meditation

Instant Facebook/texting/emails becoming a distraction, losing time/focus for tasks; lost my phone one night and felt much calmer, decided to go out and just be present. Was nice. Might establish dead times throughout day where I can’t respond instantly to inputs.

Had a massage and walk Wednesday morning, really healing-feeling.

Exploring quite a few simultaneous romantic connections, all feels balanced somehow in intensity and connection with what everyone is offering each other. Many physical/love interests making an appearance back in my life within one week. Learning to have a full love plate and pondering the implications and responsibilities around that. Curious in observing how sustained stress affects the letting-go and experience of love-making/orgasm. Experimenting more with verbal communication.

Feeling saddened by physical limitations of others: Allergies, acute and chronic injuries, medications, can’t relate to any of that. Feeling like health is such a birthright and people aren’t spending enough time there. Feeling very healthy without effort.

Balance needed in my mental efforts/focus so that relaxation/calmness in the mind can be achieved without swinging between overdrive and lethargy.

Feeling very drawn toward astrology and writing. Still feeling very connected to the idea of networking, finding and growing relationships, getting my messages out into the world, staying positive and fruitful, learning and soaking up lessons from others. Feeling very curious and understanding.

I’m wondering if relationships are like religions, in that it’s best if you just choose one and be really sincere and devoted in your path. My yoga tradition emphasized this wisdom.

It’s also present in athletic coaching. While getting inputs from many coaches might inform or inspire an athlete, it can also confuse them and keep them from advancing as far as they could with a particular coach if they just stayed with them and learned their lessons.

But at what point do you forsake your coach, your religion, your relationship?

Tonight seems like a good night to vent.

On “vacation” in Montana for my cousin’s wedding. It was a truly beautiful event, the third fantastic, love-filled, happy wedding I’ve attended this year. One of the highlights for me was being asked to dance by a cute little 3-year-old blonde thing. She was shaking it on the dance floor all night long like she just didn’t care, quite an inspiration to me, and to the many in the room who didn’t risk dancing for fear of looking “silly”. I got rid of that filter a LONG time ago, but it was still refreshing to see the exuberance and innocence of someone completely lacking any filter and just dancing for the pure joy of it (always my goal).

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about courage and being useful in the world. The world seems to really reward people who have the courage to pursue their passions ardently. The world certainly doesn’t need any more wallflowers who wait their whole lives for someone to wave a magic happy wand over their stagnation. I’ve reached a new point of
decision. I’m coaching athletes at the university level, I started up a massage referral service, I started an athlete promotion/education business, I educate and offer affordable legal plans to friends and family, I lead hiking tours of my neighborhood occasionally, and I park cars valet for special events around the city at least once a week. However, I’ve managed to set up my life so that I cannot pursue any one of these interests with full passion and dedication, which inevitably leads to me feeling like a wheel-spinning headcase. This may turn into a scheduling opportunity, or a delegation/leverage opportunity. I cannot let myself become extended, broke, and unhappy once again. My new game is to be wealthy, and damn it all to hell if I can’t figure out some way to be ridiculously abundant in my life.

I’ve been feeling extra grateful for the men in my life, particularly those I’ve dated in the past year since entering the dating game again. Each one has opened my eyes to deeper happiness in a different direction, and I’m just so grateful to have had the experiences I have had. I had to wait nine years to have the courage to date around, and I’m so glad I took that plunge with an imperfectly patterned mind, but at least with an open heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m driving a machine without a manual or a map, but I just don’t care It’s important for me to learn to love deeply, freely, and passionately. I believe once I’ve come sufficiently back into myself that way I will be given the chance to be blessed with a family to share and propagate that happiness with.

Taking in the hot tub under the chilly, starlit Montana sky one last time…to really living!

I’m feeling so blessed to have my cousin visiting this week. It was so gorgeous out today, normally I would have just stayed in, but instead we went across the Golden Gate Bridge, down to Baker Beach (I hadn’t been in 5+ years) and drove down the Great Highway. The views were absolutely stunning, esp. of the vast shimmering ocean water with sailboats from the bridge. Air temperature was perfection, with just a slight humid sea breeze.

Watching her reactions to things helped me appreciate the city all over again. For example, wondering what all the overhead lines were for (electric bus power lines). Stuff I see daily but don’t register as being unique anymore! I imagine this is what raising children must be like. Getting to experience the fun all over again, deepening and enriching your own experience.

On another note, I also have to say that giving up my habit of implied or forced monogamy has made me infinitely happier than I have ever been in my relationships. I’m much less a head case and just enjoying the (slow) process of getting to know my boy friends as time goes on. It really wasn’t serving me to commit to relationships that weren’t first grounded in friendship, trust, time, and experience. And this way I get to taste more flavors before settling, a priceless bonus that I am madly enjoying. Guess 30s really is prime time, haha.

Too jacked up tonight

I’ve been feeding my dreams
And listening for my demons
The sideways whispers
That sound familiar,
Like a mother’s comforting
There, there
Don’t you go wrapping your heart around things that might make you cry if you don’t get them

I hear that garbage when you speak
And I want to steal it from the air
Before it reaches anyone else’s ears
Years wasted in: I can’t
Years wasted in: I’m small
Years wasted in: What would *they* think?
After all, dreams that come true are just guilty lucky accidents, right?

Who dares to grow when no one is applauding the millimeters?

Who dares to travel somewhere alone, no map, expecting wrong turns?

Might as well just hang out with all your friends in Miserytown.
Keep reading that yearbook: Don’t ever change!

Day 22: Still doing all eye exercises. Did near/far at night before bed. Did not leave house today except a couple hours in morning to drive to drop off C at school and attend a meeting. Used low correction glasses.

Day 23: Wore real glasses at comedy improv. Felt way too sharp at first but eyes adjusted after 15 mins or so. I feel like I might have some slight improvement in vision coming, but probably less than one point. Will be very curious to get my eye exam results in about a week!

You may have heard this week about the Anonymous hacktivist group that hacked into BART’s website and published name, phone numbers, addresses and emails for some 2400 BART customers (in retaliation to BART’s anti-protest moves). This had a lot of public transportation riders worried about their information security (http://mashable.com/2011/08/15/bart-anonymous-attack/).

Wouldn’t it be nice to offer peace of mind to your employees/contractors, so that in case of an identity theft they would have attorneys on-call and 50 hours of an investigator’s time to completely restore their identity?

So today was not my proudest day. Somehow I managed to do no eye exercises today, despite going out in public blind again. My goal was 3×100 near/far exercises. Ug. Back on the horse tomorrow I guess.

My motivation in general was really poor today. Plus side? Met a reaaaaaly cute bartender <3 <3