It took a dose of 5-Hour Energy drink (caffeinated, couldn’t find decaf in 4 stores on entire campus) for me to understand what Lil’ Wayne was talking about: “Fuck the world, and get a child out her.”

Well, I’m sure he meant something a little different, but it started to make sense to me like this: There’s a human tendency to take the path of least resistance, go with the flow, don’t rock the boat, keep on keeping on, etc., that is obviously prevalent in every day life (and ripe with cliches). We see this in government, we see this in some of our parents, we see this in the older generation doing things the way they’ve always been done, resisting change, resisting improvement.

Fucking requires a level of energy beyond that.

School is a place of hope. Universities are a place of “I want to move to another level.” Education necessarily requires us to put energy in in order to get something out. Not unlike the passionate act of, shall we say, making love, and creating a child.

But how many people do you see “fucking the world”? Seems like most are still trying to survive it, like it’s some kind of abusive relationship or something.

To get something that no one else around you has, you have to be willing to do something that no one else around you will do.

If you just pictured smuggling 50 kilos of cocaine across the border in a private plane, try again

Try something passionate, full of love, something scary, something no one else around you dares to do, that will push you to the next level. Then get ready for the next level of awesome.

Thanks Lil’ Wayne…and 5-Hour Energy

This kinda seemed like good advice:

“Well, if you are missing any of the following points, then it’s possible you haven’t found your true soul mate yet, although you might be perfectly happy with the person you are with. (Assuming you are already a couple…)

If you find yourself gazing at the person you have chosen and realize that absolutely nothing about their physical appearance jars in any way, their ears aren’t too small, that hint of a bald spot doesn’t send you screaming in the other direction, the way they walk doesn’t make you feel like a zoo-keeper, or their profile, showing a beautiful roman nose sitting prominently over a rapidly receding chin doesn’t inspire you to buy a gift certificate for a plastic surgeon, then you might possibly be looking at your soul mate.

When you realize this person inspires you to improve yourself, encourages you to reach for goals you previously thought beyond your capabilities, fosters a sense of self worth, or helps you to overcome obstacles so you can fulfil your expectations and not theirs, then you might be looking at your soul mate.

When you find comfort in their presence, not their absence, are treated with the respect that each one of us rightly deserves, have the freedom and safety to do your own thing without reprisal, and if they accept your gestures or overtures of affection with love and warmth instead of impatience or disdain, then you might be looking at your soul mate.”

http://enellelamb.hubpages.com/hub/Have-You-Met-Your-Soul-Mate

2/8/12 Update:
WorldPay Sucks Much Less. A corporate customer service rep called me after finding this blog post, agreed I was treated unfairly, apologized, insisted this is not how WorldPay likes to do business, and credited me back my early termination fee. Woo-hoo! Thanks interwebs…

Original Post:
I learned a valuable lesson recently I wanted to share with you: Have a lawyer review EVERY contract you go into.

You see, Steve Agid of WorldPay managed to rope me into a 3-year contract without my knowledge. If I had just called my lawyers and had a full copy of the contract for them to review (he never offered me a copy), I could have prevented this unfortunate situation.

We met in person, and he sketched out on a yellow notepad the “details” of the WorldPay agreement. After later informing him that I was surprised and dismayed to learn of the 3-year contract, he swore that he always writes down and circles the length/term of the contract to prevent any misunderstandings (like “this”). Well, he simply didn’t write it down that day (picture attached). When I showed him these notepad scribbles (I keep everything) he chose to ignore my email.

He was previously made aware via email that my alternative credit processor was PayPal, which is a month-to-month service, and he was aware that my business venture was experimental in nature, therefore I never would have agreed to a 3-year term had I known that was his game. I definitely wouldn’t have agreed to a 3-year term with a 90-day notice to opt-out. The papers he drew up for me and had me sign did not mention a term anywhere, so I was lulled into thinking I was safely in a month-to-month contract. This was not the case. My lawyer later pointed out in retrospect that, by signing, I had “agreed” to the small print “terms and conditions”, which references another set of papers that were never presented to me in person, which contained the language about the 3-year contract & 90-day opt out. When I called in to cancel my “monthly” service I was told there would be a $450 fee for cancelling. This situation will cost me over $600 to get out of.

I should also have been cautious when he used subtle pressure tactics to get me to sign up for the service before I was ready to switch. Saying things over email like: “I waived your startup fees for July but it will be much harder to waive them in August”, etc. I trusted him because he was highly referred in BNI, and I understand the pressure of commission sales, but these should have been warning signs.

Whether this was a one-time guffaw or whether he does this on a serial basis I do not know, all I know is that he took my money happily and didn’t care whether I was a happy customer. The service did not adequately meet my needs so I opted to cancel, at which point I learned of the staggering opt-out fee and term length. I gave him a chance to explain, apologize and rectify the situation and he took the low road, accusing me not only of having a poor memory but then proceeded to totally fabricate a conversation which had me knowingly agreeing to the contract despite the risks I had been “informed” of.

This is just bad, short-term, profit-motive business at its worst.

Please consider taking your business elsewhere. At the least, please always use a lawyer and caution when entering any contracts based on someone’s pressure tactics and lack of professionalism in disclosing the entire contract and terms. Sadly, I would not be joining any group where Steve Agid nor WorldPay does business.

Sincerely,
Christina McKinstry

Yellow pad attached

7/27/11
“Hi Christina

Any progress on the voided check or bank letter and a business license of any kind? I waived the two start-up fees ($125) for July. It will be harder for me to waive both ($50 and $75) in August. I need only to have all my paperwork submitted by tomorrow afternoon to get it secured.

Let me know
Steve Agid”

12/1/11
“Hi Steve, I attempted to close my account today but they told me I was on a 3-year contract with a $450 early termination fee. Is this true? If so, why wasn’t this disclosed to me up front? I never would have agreed to a 3-year contract.”

“Christina, you asked me about this when we met at the Sterling Branch. I always make a point of it just so as to avoid this kind of misunderstanding. I usually write it on a yellow pad and would have given it to you.

Most of the times when someone cancels early they say I never told them, even when I have circled it in front of them.

Steve Agid
Account Executive | San Francisco, CA | WorldPay”

I’m having some interesting thoughts about money I thought I should write down (or type-in, as it were). There seems to be a resistance, among very sweet, noble people, to collecting money from others. This is an interesting phenomenon that I, myself, have also experienced at times. I think, at the heart of it, is a deep knowing that someone could be caused pain in having to give up their money to you, or that someone along the way will have to suffer because you’ve asked for money, whether mentally or materially. And I’m not sure whether or not this is pathological thinking or whether it is really forward-thinking.

Pathologically, you could say that a resistance to getting paid for doing something one loves to do is simply projecting your own fears about money onto other people needlessly. If, in fact, someone gives you their money, they may not think twice about it. It may not bother them or their bank account at all. On the other hand, they could be making silent judgments about your fairness in setting a price, for example, or valuing what you do differently than you do. We don’t like separating ourselves from others. Giving you their money could cause them to not have enough money for other things. These may all be things you needn’t concern yourself with.

However, maybe there is some forward-thinking value in not wanting to have or use money at all. Money might slow us down transactionally. If we all just gave to each other freely of our talents or material goods when needs arose, we could eliminate the exchange of the middle man, trusting that, in time, our needs would be met in the same manner. After all, most of us spent our youths living this way and, as mothers, we spend a lot of time providing “free” services to the world. This comes naturally. But this may be too utopian at this time in history. Perhaps money is needed for the same reason that rules are needed to prevent the time-drain of confusion when anarchy exists. Anarchy can only work in an organism that communicates perfectly and instantaneously across the entire organization. In the same way, money may not be needed in a society in which the members all knew exactly the needs of all the other members and could communicate quickly and meet needs quickly.

Which brings us back to today.

If we have resistance to asking people to pay us for what we do for them, then we should be consistent and try to live rent-free, not pay for food, clothing, etc. I know there are people in the world who have chosen to live this way and it IS possible. However, as long as we choose to live in apartments/houses that demand rent/mortgage, and we are paying for basic survival and beyond, we must ask others to support us so that we can meet our needs. We can not be useful to the world as long as we are worried about how to meet our own needs with our financial situations. We waste creative time worrying about where the next meal will come from when we don’t ask people to pay us enough for what we do. We cannot control their suffering or what they may think of us for asking this of them. We must simply strive to ask what is fair for the service we provide for the world.

It’s an interesting cycle we are in of just circulating money amongst each other so that everyone can just live their lives and do their jobs. When you are employed by someone, you don’t have to think of these things as often (maybe once a year at salary evaluation?), as you do when you strike out on your own and try to put a value on what you do for the world.

Money money money, mo-ney…

Apparently I like to go off on rants when I’m deathly ill, so, here we go…

The world sucks right now. The word “career” is quite possibly my least favorite word. When someone asks me how my “career” is going I have a gag reflex.

How is it that I made it all the way through college, through my first “career”, before I ever was encouraged by ANYONE to follow my own dreams? Yes, I was told I was smart, and talented, and could do anything I put my mind to. I was a promise, I was a possibility, I was a promise with a capital “P”, I was a great big bundle of potentiality. But I was really fucking limited  by the minds around me while I was trying to figure out what I was meant to be doing. I would give anything now to be able to go back in time with the knowledge that I have now and encourage myself with all boldness to follow the paths that excited me the most. I wanted to be a writer. I was interested in the law. I wanted to be a business person. So now I’ve taken a hugely circumvented path to those things, wasting 8.5 years studying and applying something I cared nothing about except philosophically. I’m angry, because now I’m 31 years old, still cleaning off the fears and safety nets that people around me vomited onto me.

Why did I accept all that in the first place? I knew I was an individual capable of anything. My 6th grade classmates mirrored that back to me when I moved away, writing sentiments to me like “see you when you’re President”, etc. I was voted most likely to succeed in high school, and ended up valedictorian and class president. I figured out the game of school and I was really good at it.

So somehow it feels like I’m starting all over again. Maybe that’s what your Saturn return is all about. It starts you over from scratch, gives you a second chance to re-live your childhood in your 30′s and plot a different next 30 years with your gained information.

I liked this clip I saw from Steve Jobs today (via Paul Makepeace):

“When you grow up you tend to get told the world is the way it is and you’re life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money.

That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use.

Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.”

http://gizmodo.com/5864320/this-is-steve-jobs-greatest-life-revelation?autoplay

So, I’m tempted now to lay out all the problems I see with the world, and attempt one-by-one to change it, influence it, and build a reality that fits with my vision. Because I do trust my vision. I’m relearning to do that. I wasn’t the smartest leader as a kid or in high school. There was a lot I would do differently. But I took the reins. I was somewhat effective. And I can birth my visions into the world.

I’m sitting here, 4.5  years living with a very interesting San Francisco family, 1.5 years unattached to any particular partner, and feeling like “where the hell am I going now?”, because this certainly isn’t a satisfying life either. The only things I’ve held onto are my coaching job, my cat, and my house/housemates in San Francisco. With everything else up in the air, now feels like the perfect time to re-ask myself how it is my perfect world is being manifested, and what I’m doing to make that happen. I regret that the best thing I could come up with in college was to become a chemical engineer and make the “big bucks”. That’s because no one my family knew of was a real mover/shaker, a real game-changer. We idolized the white-collar workers who could live a more “comfortable” life making say 50,000+/year. And I can’t believe I actually followed a dead dream of doing something I saw absolutely no value in in exchange for enough money to feel comfortable. It was only a matter of time before that little sailboat totally lost wind.

Jeezus.

I guess I just needed to get that off my chest, again.

I’m really interested in turning this ship around. I’m really interested in helping others figure out where they can best start to work to manifest our common dreams together into the world. Because what else is there? There are dreams, dreamers, and reality (dreams manifested). When somebody tells me they are a realist, that also makes me want to gag. What the fuck does that mean? They believe in other people’s already manifested, dead dreams? Yuck.

No thanks, I want more. Let’s create more together. I believe that’s what we are here on this planet to do. Life, as a force, is about constant betterment and adaptation. It’s built into our DNA. We feel it every time a child is born or every time a kid graduates from school. Moving on to something better, yay. Not something worse, or something real. We all need to keep dreaming, and keep acting in the direction of those dreams. Why can’t we all have the world we dream of? That’s why I feel so strongly about what Gibran said, that “the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, then walks grinning in the funeral.”

I’m barely comfortable right now. In fact, I’m pretty uncomfortable financially, materially, relationship/partnership-wise, my perceived impact on the world around me, it all sucks right now. It’s all less than what I desire. But I can dream, and I can act in the direction of those dreams, and I’ll be damned if I don’t spend the rest of my life trying to do that. I’ve been avoiding and ditching comfort traps for the past 5 years, and I’m getting close to busting out into life like a geyser. Watch out world, this girl’s about to set herself on fire.

“There’s no way I’m letting WalMart into my city, but a Bank of America tower is more than welcome!”

There’s a Target store coming into San Francisco. No WalMart, but its slightly more pretentious cousin, Target, is moving in.

Let me just say I love WalMarts. And I love Targets. KMarts, notsomuch. It’s all about the efficiency and purity of the systems to me. I admire how their stores are laid out. I appreciate the organization. I like the bigness of it all (although the SuperWalmarts do push that for me). I love WalMart the same way I love McDonald’s: you know what to expect, the quality is consistent, they are efficient and organized. I also hate them in the same way: I wish I was wearing higher-quality, organic cottons, made with love by someone who loves me, or eating higher quality, organic foods, cooked with love by someone who loves me.

As an engineer I appreciate when systems are created that work. I admire that about WalMart and BofA. A lot of people in SF are anti-WalMart for many reasons, often the “support small business owners not large corporations” shtuff. I’m just wondering, at what point of “largeness” does one become a “sell out” or cross the line into “greedy” big business? This question is important in our current Main St vs Wall St revolution.

“Too big to fail” is fascinating to me, and while I chose to move my money to a local credit union I love, I miss BofA’s better technology. Can’t we have the benefits of both somehow? At what point does small business become too big to be customer-focused, too big to fail, etc. Is this the “Monopoly” of our time we must regulate against? Endlessly interesting…

I don’t know what is so alluring about the big box stores. And I find it odd that cities will support some types but not others. There are several Staples, Office Max and Office Depots in San Francisco. There is a Lowe’s, there are McDonald’s everywhere, a few Burger Kings, the major food chains, Subway’s etc. There is something very beautiful about the way these organizations are run and patterned, but at the same time I see how they also feel soul-less and wrong!  It is difficult to feel ownership as a worker in such organizations.

Don’t think I’m getting anywhere so I’ll stop rambling for now…thoughts?

Just the right subject to take me out of my city mentality, my parents showed me this picture when I first arrived in Montana. The story goes that this woman they know was out bow-hunting in Idaho and this 150-lb wolf jumped out of the bushes about 10 feet in front of her. The woman felt as if she was being tracked as its prey, and had a gun with her so she pulled it out and shot the wolf and escaped, guessing others were closeby in a pack. She later went back to have a picture with it.

There has been great tension between men and wolf in the northern states, especially since Canadian wolves were experimentally reintroduced to Yellowstone National Park and Idaho in the mid-nineties to thin out the elk population, a project first proposed in 1966. “The Idaho state government opposed the reintroduction of wolves into the state and many citizens feel as if the wolves were forced onto the state by the federal government” (Wikipedia article). Wolves are at the top of the food chain and are considered a threat to farmers, ranchers, and hunters. There are now just under 100 documented wolves in the park, though some sites estimate nearly 1000 wolves between Montana and Idaho.

This was an interesting bumpersticker I saw at the gas station my second day in Montana: Save 100 elk, Kill a wolf. Ah, home sweet home!

There’s something so powerful about the Burning Man experience that it continues to affect my life almost daily. And it happens in the little things we take for granted sometimes, like what to wear when we go out, or how to interact with your neighbors or people you see on the streets. There’s something about setting up a temporary city that gives you a sense of the earth underneath you and an appreciation of the space you are occupying.

I’m feeling all this just standing on the corner waiting for the bus in San Francisco. And part of it was seeing a girl across the street with flaming cherry-red hair and Doc Martins with British flags on them. About taking care and/or pride in the way you show up for the world. To add something to the world rather than just try to suck off it all day long, or worse, to just “get by.”

I love the idea of getting excited just standing on a street corner, thinking, fuck-yeah, this is OUR city! We are making this! Having a sense of ownership, of amazement in the beauty we are greeted with when we walk out the door every morning, with the kaleidoscope of people we get to interact with.

Of just getting rid of the emptiness, apathy, boredom, ho-hum attitude that eats our souls until we are walking zombies, excited only by BART shootings and world series championships. Routine steals passion. Life without passion is like life in prison, except that YOU are holding the keys.

Ideas about socialism are likely not going to come from the country folk. Resistance to socialism is what one is more likely to encounter. Cities are where socialism is needed most. So many people packed closely together spurns the NEED for public transportation, shared resources such as libraries, firehouses, schools, airports, etc.

If you think about how the western US was populated, it took a brave and independent mindset to move into the new land, start a homestead, defend your family, fend against wild animals, find food, fix the wagon, and deal with natives. When you do something huge on your own, it can become a source of pride that is passed down generationally: “We are independent.” Farmers and ranchers are extremely self-sufficient.

So don’t expect rural Americans to whole-heartedly jump on board with social-minded global or local initiatives. We are quickly becoming an interdependent global economy, and we need skills to work together better NOW.

The western migration may also help explain some of America’s “Jump the nest at 18″ mindset. Unfortunately, we are finding that the “fend for yourself” attitude is not much conducive to happy marriages (divorce rates) nor social enterprise (the rate of failure in small businesses).

There’s probably a better way. Challenge the attitudes your family’s multi-generations have held to see if they still apply!

If yesterday had a theme, it would be that passivity and lack of goals/focus gets you nowhere. Met a young woman working as an airport cafe cashier who said she tried college but hated it. I probed a bit and the root was that she didn’t really have something to aim for, just taking general classes. Of course she hated it! She was so beautiful and sweet and clearly just needed a reason to succeed at something.

I also had a great chat with my cousin about the same theme. It’s something I think is really missing in our society: guidance for the middle 80 percent of students who have no idea what to apply their passion and energy toward.

I had a long history of achievement and confidence when I graduated high school, so in college I was motivated by pride and also poverty (wanting to create a better life than I was handed). I pursued a degree with the most immediate and highest payout (short of gambling!).

This passivity that many students bring to college infects everything else: political involvement, relationships, everything.

The easiest way to start overcoming this is to start getting on top of your small everyday accomplishments. Make a list of everything you’ve been putting off and do one of them. The feeling of accomplishment is powerful and leads to more positive actions in the direction of your dreams.